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01-14-2011, 05:58 PM | #1 |
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Apparently, there has been some widespread panic regarding the zodiac calendar. At some point in history, we determined that at whatever time of the year your mother forgot to take her birth control, the stars would have some effect on your life and tell you the future. Then; we learned to split the atom, landed on the moon, developed theories for quantum physics... and somehow still believe this nonsensical garbage.
Now someone actually did their research and determined that- holy crap- there are two different Zodiac calendars! One for the other side of the world? How can this insanity be? Apparently, someone decided that the western world would have a seperate Zodiac from this heathen "other Zodiac"... in the 2nd century. One that doesn't change. That is 2,010 years ago- give or take a few. Maybe if I had followed the right Zodiac I could do math better. To the person who did the research, kudos. I respect your thirst for knowledge. However, when you explain things, make sure you (1: tell the whole situation and (2: Don't tell a superstitious idiot who will run and start a panic with other superstitious idiots. This is the exact damned reason we keep Area 51 locked up tight. Morons can't handle it, but it does amuse us to see the reactions. Now we have droves of people who are about to lose their shit and throw themselves into a full-fledged panic. Some people are getting tattoos removed. Others are uncertain of their futures. More are concerned that they have incorrectly heeded the wrong advice and completely screwed up their lives- and could have become a rock star that graduates from MIT with a Doctorate in Awesome... instead of an unemployed booger collector. Here is what I would like to remind you: The stars are not mystical forces. They are balls of burning gas. Light something on fire, right now. Look at it. Now, color me shocked if you didn't set yourself or your home ablaze and you've made it this far. Go ahead and try to light a fart. That is what stars are...in a sense. They are burning farts in outer space. I don't let farts- burning or not- determine who I am. The month you are born has nothing to do with who you are. At least the Chinese can create some form of coincidental personality identifier with their Zodiac- who you are can be determined in a small extent by how many years of stupidity you have endured (the clothing of the mid-80's and music of the early 90's will break any soul). You could have a kid right now and tell him he's a Leo, and until he looked into it, he wouldn't know any different for years- he'd just live his life like a normal person. Each of the Zodiac symbols have "traits" that are, for whatever reason, specific and limited to them. Are you a Taurus? No way can you be romantic, emotional, controlling, or artistic, right? You are totally full of shit if you are. Quit screwing with the Zodiac. It's like dividing by zero in church or something- you're going to set the oceans on fire, cause a rift in time and space, and wake up peoples' kids. No. Go back to making your entire personality something that can be summarized in three sentences. Stay in your lane. The future is uncertain. That's the beauty of it. You never know what will happen. Goat Piss. See? You never saw that coming until you got here. Had I told you at the beginning of this rant that I was going to say "Goat Piss" down here, it would have less effect. If I tell you that you will meet the man of your dreams in five years, then what about the man you love during the first four years? What if I told you that you were going to die before you turn 40? How would that make you feel? How about this: The entire concept of free will is a crock of shit, and you are on a predetermined track and have zero control over your future. There. Strap yourself in and enjoy the ride on the idiot express. The rest of the people who don't breathe through their mouths and stare directly into the sun will be in control of their lives, you can just watch and wait for your crab to align with the sun or whatever. Let's examine Horoscopes: "Excellent opportunities will present themselves to you this month, and you should take them or you may regret it in the near future". Seriously? This is about as obvious as "You're going to need to pee in the next 24 hours". And do you need to have someone tell you that you should take an excellent opportunity? If you do, I will go ahead and remind you to wipe your ass after you poop. You are that stupid. "Someone may be upset with you, and you should work to mend it." Hang on, just skip over this if you are absolutely certain that everyone loves you right now. I can think of about 20 people who would want to punch me in the face, and that's just the tip of the iceberg (and some of them may be relatives). Just to keep things balanced and make sure I am doing my part- I can think of about 80 people I would like to punch in the face right now, and maybe 20% of them have a name I can remember. And should you mend it? Maybe so, it would work in your favor. Or you could get punched in the face, I could care less. Works both ways for me. "Financial troubles may be around the corner" NO. YOU DON'T SAY! Look, I know people who consider "financial troubles" to be "barricading my door because the repo men are here" and "I owe my loan shark and he intends to take it out of my ass with a boxcutter". Personally, I consider "financial troubles" to be "I can't afford to buy a dune buggy full of strippers and whiskey". Chances are, unless you can turn stupid into gold, you are going to have financial problems in some way, shape, or form. Even then, it's still vague: Maybe your debit card stops working. Maybe you can't wire cash to your loan shark because Western Union closed early. Maybe some prick bought the last dune buggy full of strippers and whiskey. Who knows? It's like saying "you will have trouble with your diet". "You will find yourself missing a loved one". I call shenanigans. There are absolutely no loved ones in my life that I miss. Dead, distant, and disenfranchised. Nope. Not a single one, this entire thing is a sham. No possible way this could apply to me, ever. Of course I'm lying... I mean, really? This is... bad if you bite into that one and take it to heart. Watch this: You will find yourself enjoying stuff and talking about things. Now, I am a total psychic. "Do ______ and you can avert a serious tragedy this month". Dude. For real. This is just silly. Put a dirty sock in your mouth and punch yourself in the junk, and a polar bear will not eat your face while you sleep. Tragedy averted! Good job! This is basically like saying "Something that probably won't happen anyway won't happen at all if you do something that isn't in any way connected to it". And if something bad DID happen, it is totally your fault. You did it wrong. Idiot. "One of your loved ones or someone close to you is having a serious problem". If you are me, this answers itself- considering me a "loved one" or "close to you" is a serious problem in itself. Chances are, if you need some made-up advice based on absolutely nothing of scientific evidence, you are a serious blight on the people you know. The common denominator in all the loved ones' problems could be YOU. Deal with it. Now, I know I have been crude and hurtful here. But there is nothing wrong with liking something like the Zodiac and horoscope "just for fun". Maybe one of those little horoscopes bring to mind something you should do, or someone you should reach out to, or whatever- and that is fine and dandy. But in the end, one person has control of your life- you. No amount of fortune-telling, Voodoo chicken bones, fossilized monkey testicles, or psychic hotlines can take that from you unless you allow it. I don't let burning space farts tell me what to do, and I have been known to heed the advice of one-eyed hobos just because he "sounded like a wizard or something". You shouldn't let this get to you. And personally, I'd have the tattoo of your ex's name removed before I would the one of some fish or scorpion. Besides, if the people who wrote this advice WERE psychic and could read the future, they'd be rich as hell and wouldn't waste their time making sure some idiot doesn't forget to call his grandma or declines a free gift card from Wal-Mart. Brains, people. Use them. |
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01-14-2011, 06:33 PM | #2 |
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where did you copy this from?
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01-14-2011, 06:38 PM | #3 |
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01-14-2011, 07:01 PM | #4 |
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Wait so hold on...my mystical fish is...bullshit? Thank you Mr Lucas for raping my childhood all over again. Whats next Santa Claus isnt real? And no-one gives a fuck if Im naughty?
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01-14-2011, 07:21 PM | #5 |
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Quote:
Apparently, there has been some widespread panic regarding the zodiac calendar. At some point in history, we determined that at whatever time of the year your mother forgot to take her birth control, the stars would have some effect on your life and tell you the future. Then; we learned to split the atom, landed on the moon, developed theories for quantum physics... and somehow still believe this nonsensical garbage.
...etc... Brains, people. Use them. Now, let me ask you a question - are you in any way religious? ;)
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01-14-2011, 07:53 PM | #6 |
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just way to much to read...ill read the other thread about the new zodiac calendar...much easier to read...
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01-14-2011, 07:55 PM | #7 |
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01-14-2011, 08:01 PM | #8 |
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That was profound...and made me smile on the inside.
Well done, Baron. Well done. |
01-14-2011, 08:02 PM | #9 |
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so does that mean you didnt take the full round of antibiotics the doctor gave you for it?
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01-14-2011, 08:03 PM | #10 |
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