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02-10-2010, 09:31 PM | #1 |
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So, we've all seen those movies with the heroes, the villains, and there's a lot to love about action movies. Even the ones that aren't sci-fi can get into the realm of B.S. pretty quick. So, just for giggles... and since I can make several GI Joe references... I present the B.S. and the truth about it.
1. The One-Man Army. We all need a hero, and it is usually one man. Nothing inspires the human spirit more than a solo individual overcoming innumerable odds and saving the day. He goes in alone, and comes out the hero and saves the day. He is unstoppable, highly trained, he is the best. He's the one they send in to get the job done. The Truth: There are some badass dudes out there. Of course, any organization that survives beyond a treehouse club knows that several badasses are better than one. You'd really send in a valuable asset- alone? Why not send ten? After all, when Billy Badass does go down (and he will), you will want someone to drag his corpse from behind enemy lines before his origins are determined and your Black Op goes on television... and comes with a heavy dose of payback (probably against civilians). Does he live? If he does, he gets captured. Now your "Super Top Secret Badass" just got put in a wonderful position to be tortured and interrogated... and now the enemy knows all your dirty little national secrets. Which leads me to... 2. Going in to rescue the team member they are holding hostage. Well, the hero got caught. Now we need to send in the best men we've got to get him back (those other 9 guys we forgot we had, that we should have used in the first damned place). A few of these guys may get killed, but we have to get that one guy back... The truth: Military hostages aren't worth much to the enemy. Why? Well, they know the one thing most people forget- human lives have a dollar value, and if it isn't worth the effort... well, the "we regret to inform you" letter was being drafted the moment he got snagged. Saving hostages is for SWAT teams and low-level threats. Smart enemies kill off these targets to send a message. After all, hostages and prisoners are a pain in the ass and don't get much leverage because "we do not negotiate with terrorists". As much as it sucks to say- that terrorist leader in GITMO is worth more to the US Government than some grunt that got caught by the bad guys. Besides, he'd probably wind up dead the moment the heroes showed up. And how did they find their comrade? Well... 3. Bad guys broadcasting their threat on live television. The bad guys are about to unleash Superweapon X on the world, and we have 24 hours to give them a metric shit ton of money. They interrupted Family Guy for this, so they are serious... The truth: Funny thing about bad guys- they are smarter than we like to think. Broadcasting on television tends to give the guys in DC a pinpoint location. Most bad guys have the sense to prerecord a message (you've seen them on CNN) and release it after the incident. 4. Fully automatic is better. In the video game world, pumping 12 bullets into the torso of a random bad guy kills better than one to the chest. In movies, the heroes are blasting away and barking ammo all over the place, and it does so well... The truth: He's an idiot wasting ammo, and unless his job is supressing fire- he's retarded. Not to mention, machine guns come with replacement barrels to change out after 200 rounds. So, that assault rifle is about to be a red hot wet noodle. And nowadays, most assault rifles aren't fully automatic... it's difficult to hold down full auto on a lightweight weapon and accomplish anything. Smart shooters know that one well-placed shot is all you need, and everything else is a waste. Sure, it looks cool... but it's stupid. 5. Dual pistols are good for a gunfight. Two pistols blazing, the hero takes out a room full of bad guys, crossing his arms to hit the ones on either side of him without aiming... In the end, he holsters both pistols and walks away unscathed, like a wild west cowboy. The truth: Turn on your television. Open Youtube to a random video. At the same time, write a check mark every time you hear the word "and" or "is". Make sure these check marks are in a line. Now, have a friend throw wrenches at you while you do this and be sure hand have two other friends change the channels and videos at random. Couldn't do it? Well, you had 18 chances with each pen, and you have to stop and open a new pen afterward. Now, you're probably bleeding and things are a bit fuzzy, but I'll be brief: Two guns is useful for firing one and then switching to the second without a reload. It's hard to keep a steady aim with one hand, and chances are- you aren't ambidextrous. If you have to fire that many shots with a pistol, apparently something went horribly wrong and you wandered into the badguy convention like an idiot. You're going to die if you try this, cowboy (fun fact- cowboys are only 6% less gay than vampires at this time). Kill their leader and end all of this. We will take the fight to the enemy, and kill Cobra Commander! Then, we mop up the remaining bad guys and we're done. He's the key element in the entire scheme, and once he goes down... the war is over. The truth: Bad guys train replacements. They know a lot of people want them dead, and they aren't stupid enough to assume that some decent sniper or car bomb won't take them out. Even still, when he's spending that terrorist cash in the Bahamas and banging hotties, someone has to manage things. So, you kill him... and now the best you can hope for is that the two sucessors he trained aren't getting along and fight amongst themselves... but most likely they'll divide and get some payback. |
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02-10-2010, 09:59 PM | #2 |
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Only 6%?
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02-10-2010, 10:20 PM | #3 |
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The number of people in a hero squad in inversely
proportional to how serious a received single gunshot wound is. |
02-10-2010, 10:32 PM | #4 |
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this was a very entertaining read! Thanks!
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02-10-2010, 10:41 PM | #5 |
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You do realize, that people use movies and video games to escape reality?
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02-10-2010, 11:18 PM | #6 |
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Quote:
Well, that just shoots his whole damn post to smitherines! I mean now that I know people use VGs and movies for escape, how can I possibly find his humorous look at the impracticalities of such media entertaining? The answer? I can't. It is a sad, sad day. Sad indeed.
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02-10-2010, 11:44 PM | #7 |
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Quote:
You know...I bet he NEVER thought of that! blackrazor, are you SURE about that? I had NO IDEA that people used video games and movies to escape!
Well, that just shoots his whole damn post to smitherines! I mean now that I know people use VGs and movies for escape, how can I possibly find his humorous look at the impracticalities of such media entertaining? The answer? I can't. It is a sad, sad day. Sad indeed. |
02-11-2010, 12:10 AM | #8 |
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I find it annoying, like these examples. The villian always HAS to kidnap the heros wife/girlfriend/daughter/colleage/ etc. to lure the hero into a deathtrap. The hero arrives, rescues her, and the villian dies horribly. PTUI! A real villian would run away and hire some hitman to get him. The hero always finds a key piece of evidence an entire team of CSI's missed. And the "Drop Dead Gorgeous Babe" every guy in the movie is lusting over is no prettier than your own sister, and wouldn't give you the time of day to begin with.
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02-11-2010, 12:25 AM | #9 |
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02-11-2010, 12:32 AM | #10 |
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Quote:
I find it annoying, like these examples. The villian always HAS to kidnap the heros wife/girlfriend/daughter/colleage/ etc. to lure the hero into a deathtrap. The hero arrives, rescues her, and the villian dies horribly. PTUI! A real villian would run away and hire some hitman to get him. The hero always finds a key piece of evidence an entire team of CSI's missed. And the "Drop Dead Gorgeous Babe" every guy in the movie is lusting over is no prettier than your own sister, and wouldn't give you the time of day to begin with.
Off the top of my head I can think of: Batman 1989 Batman Forever Dark Knight Spiderman Spiderman 2 X-Men
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