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10-07-2013, 05:58 AM | #1 |
Totally lost Techno Viper
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Backwoods of KY!!!!
Posts: 594
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The reason I have started this little thread is in hopes that it will save someone on here years of self hate and misery. This is not a political, religious or about whats right or wrong discussion. If you want to show that you are a narrow minded deep down scared of who you are and scared of what other people do in their private lifes go right ahead. If the moderators deem this a inappropriate thread then by all means lock it, burn it, and ban me from this site its not a big deal to me anymore and toys are the least of my concerns anymore.
For the last 20+ years i have done everything in my power short of suicide to destroy my life and do as much physical damage as I can to myself. The only reason suicide wasn't a option was the the fear of eternal damnation for who I am. When you run on pure self hate and the fear of what others think of you it ends up doing some serious damage mentally. Sooo the reason I have hated myself all these years is that im gay. I know its probably not a big deal now a days in the main world.But even now in this small little backwoods part of Kentucky its a great way to get lynched by a bunch of inbreed backwoods hillbillies. Now do I have any fear of this happening hell no my genetic background goes back so far here that wither I like it or not I look country ( Not the the duck dynasty type of country thank whoever for that at least) and have some of the same intrest as the jackasses. Tractor pulls, demolition derbies, nascar etc...hell im the first generation to not be tobacco farming for a living or living on a farm. I guess the main thing that's kept me screwed up all these years is the fact that I don't show any of the stereotypical gay attributes. As I call it no sugar is in my tank so I run straight but just have no interest in women in the sexual sense. I can see the beauty in a woman but have no attraction to what they have to offer. I wouldnt be coming to terms with who I am if it wasn't for the meds I had to go on to keep me from killing a few of the half wits at work. Had a really bad known side effect to the pills which made it impossible to keep the amount of rage needed to keep it covered up as I have for so long. I wont mention his name but I have one man that I have been friends with nothing else hes straight for 14 years. His family considers me family he calls me brother, his mom calls me son, and his child calls me uncle. Well the really messed up part is that for the last 5+ years I have been what I thought was in love with him. So thank to the meds I wasnt able to keep the level of hate up needed to cover it up. So in the worst possible way I told him my feelings and proceeded to make the next week a living hell Not due to the fact that im gay but due to his concern that I was going to do something stupid like suicide. So after coming down off the meds his wive accepts it he accept it and moms accepts. They still love me as family and have my back. What more can you ask for and things are getting better the self hate is melting away. That may have been to long but I not good at the whole emotion thing. I guess what im saying is don't waste time with self hate. As long as you don't force yourself on your sexual interest and don't harm children you are a good person. DONT WASTE YOUR LIFE IN SELF PITY BE WHO YOU ARE AND LIVE LIFE. |
10-07-2013, 10:44 AM | #2 |
Banned
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: cybertron
Posts: 4,661
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well done for finally having the courage to face up to your true self...i should imagine it will be easier for you from here on in.keep yer chin up! and stay positive!
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10-07-2013, 04:07 PM | #3 |
Crimson Guard
Join Date: May 2013
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 1,014
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Man, keep working at loving yourself. I know the flip side of the coin is harder to land on and keep facing skyward.
When I was on meds for ptsd, I was either a drooling zombie or way too excitable. Now without them, I can think clear and despite the bs of daily life have yet to cunt punt anyone to the moon. You need people to support you, not medicine to numb your mind. Well, I hope you find happiness and I am always willing to give support and talk if you need it. |
10-07-2013, 05:45 PM | #4 |
Gunslinger
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: MidWorld
Posts: 38,081
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I am proud of your courage and hope you can learn to accept and love yourself in time. You deserve to find happiness.
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FS/FT: Planet Grn Valley, Eagle Force Action Force http://www.hisstank.com/forum/g-i-jo...sell-list.html |
10-07-2013, 09:51 PM | #5 |
Hisstank.Com General
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 11,379
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I admire that you are starting to live your life the way you want.
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10-07-2013, 10:34 PM | #6 |
Totally lost Techno Viper
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Backwoods of KY!!!!
Posts: 594
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Trust me on this if it wasnt for those fukin pills id still be runnin on full hate. now i get to move to new town try to sell my home and try to find a job that wont pay as much. If istay here and try to pursue my preferences in life i will end up dead eventually. Im not a pussy i would get a few on the way out but it would come back on his family with jackasses thinking something was going which never has. Thanks you guys for the positive support. I just hope this topic will help someone younger not burn through half of thier live with self hate like i have.
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10-08-2013, 05:38 AM | #7 |
endlesssummerofthedamned
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Midway, PA
Posts: 3,773
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I have a really hard time understanding how bigotry and intolerance is still alive and well in this day and age. Working in a place where I hear racial slurs on a daily basis, it kills me that people remain so ignorant - despite all our differences, we're still all part of the same species co-habitating on this planet with millions of other unique forms of life, and all that backwards thinking negatively impacts everything on this fragile planet. I hope you are able to find a place to live where you can be accepted by the local community without fear of anti-gay hate crimes. And don't allow yourself to fall victim to uour own self hate. Try to focus on improving your own self image and redirecting your anger into something positive. Take up meditation, or join a support group that can reinforce your own personal worth. Over time, you can forget or at least forgive elements of your past and truly move forward in a positive direction with your life. I wish you all the luck in the world.
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Trade: http://www.hisstank.com/forum/g-i-jo...uff-trade.html Feedback: http://www.hisstank.com/forum/buy-se...nstrelboy.html Disclaimer: The aforementioned post is the express opinions and ideas of the poster, and do not imply that those who have taken the time to read these views on this open forum should share or agree with them. |
10-08-2013, 06:50 AM | #8 |
Crimson lady of the Guard
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 13,754
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Good for you. I came out to my family a long while back. They accept me and my partner Linda. Good luck hun, I think you crossed the hardest hurdle by coming out.
Hugs Samantha
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My feedback Thread http://www.hisstank.com/forum/g-i-jo...tml#post642922 (PLEASE READ MY WANTS LIST, any help finding these items would be wonderful) My wants list http://www.hisstank.com/forum/showthread.php?t=36991 |
10-10-2013, 10:29 PM | #9 |
Iron Grenadier
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 522
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You are so brave.
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10-12-2013, 01:07 PM | #10 |
Cobra Viper
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Mesa,Az
Posts: 489
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Cool! There is a gay,bi,tran group here on the hiss tank. I am there!
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