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08-18-2008, 12:03 AM | #1 |
Dremel Happy!
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Tukwila WA
Posts: 2,051
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This is a story that I have been writing for almost a year. This is just the first few pages to see what you guys think.
My disclaimer: 1. This is placed in the future, the way I see it. 2. I'm a religious kinda guy, so if you don't like, to bad. 3. I am not in the military, so it maybe incorrect (but welcome constructive comments). 4. This has yet to be edited, so give some slack, I'm lisdestic (dyslexic). 5. I dont have a name for the other country yet... lol... I hope you enjoy and if you would like more, let me know... "On Angel's Wings" World War III Year 2032 It was one of the most beautiful mornings that you would ever see. It was spring time in Seattle; the sun light had just crested the mountains and shined as bright as it ever had. The air was cool, but not cold, just a perfect Sunday in the northwest. That was, till the unthinkable happened. It's something you see in the movies and never think it could ever happen in your lifetime. David and I were getting ready for the races. We had waited since last year for this. It was the first time that the vintage air races had come to the northwest, thinking of seeing these old World War II planes and even old Gee Bees running full throttle is a sight to be seen. We had packed up my Toyota, well mom’s Toyota, with everything you could ever need. I mean, we could live in the wilderness for months! It was so funny, we felt like little kids all over, the sight of seeing old air planes at Boeing Field, that were almost 100 years old was just cool. My great grandpa told me stories about him being a navigator on a B-29 and I guess it just stuck with me. We were so early that the planes were still under their covers. The sun was just cresting the hills on this perfect April morning. It was so peaceful and serene that you almost thought that you where in the country. As we sat in the back of the truck we couldn't but notice a very odd sound coming from the bay. We kind of just thought it was nothing, something from the scrap yard, but it was Sunday, they don't work on Sunday. "Did you hear that?" I asked David "Yeah, sounded like an explosion or something?!" "Holy….!!!... David, look at that!” I yelled We looked just in time to see bombs going off in what looked like the water front. We didn't know what we were seeing. This was nuts. We jumped out of the back of the truck and decided to do the stupid thing and find out what it was. "John, do you really think this is the best thing to do?" "No, but I want to know if what I'm seeing is real!" I tell him. As we got closer, we both got the feeling that we needed to turn back. David and I locked the brakes, and flipped a U- turn, with a quickness. As we did that, we noticed that every police car, aid unit, and even all the military that had been at the air field where on their way there. As we got up to I-5 and could see what was happening. We couldn't believe what we where seeing. Artillery shells, rockets, and gun fire littered the morning peacefulness that was once there, only 15 minuets earlier. Later that afternoon, we had found out that we had been invaded by the XXXXXXX. I knew that we had been having problems with them but I didn't know that it was this bad. We also found out that at the same time they had over 20 other attacks through out the nation. San Francisco, Miami, New York, LA, and Chicago also suffered the same fate as Seattle and Tacoma did. The forces that they sent, most thought, were in vain. They were wrong, what they did was cripple our ability to ship goods or even receive them too. They also attacked 80% of our oil producing power and slowed down production. The government has no clue as to how many escaped into the city to become one with the population. This was seven months ago, since then there have been no more attacks on U.S. soil, but they did the damage that they wanted. The nation is in complete and utter chaos. No one trusts anyone and the XXXXX population is getting hammered left and right. The world is at war, once again. Lord help us. "Smokey, this is Raider, do you copy?" The commander asks "Copy, loud and clear" He responds "Good, lets git er done" David and I, for some stupid reason, decided to join the Air force. Why? Well to be honest, we thought that we were being patriotic, and also wanted to get even with the ones that attacked our home town. We have endured countless hours of training. We didn't think that we would be placed where we were. I guess playing all the video games and the racing we did on the weekends paid off. We got promoted to full out fighter pilots with in five months of enlistment, they gave us new planes with our names on them. How trippy is that? We were assigned to the F-34 Cougar squadron at Boeing Field. These planes have only been in service for the last year and take a getting used to, to fly. Only 12 were selected for this assignment, David and I were the top ranked in training, which is the only reason we got to pick where we wanted to go and got it. "Bullet, you and Smokey got the highest score out of everyone flying the F-34. I need ya guys to be ready for training these newbie's. You guys got it?" "Yeah, we got it. Don't we Smoky!" "Oh yeah, we'll teach them how it's done" I tell him. As we fly to the good old McCord Air Force base to get the new squadron arrivals. As we land, we notice that there are another 24 F-34's on the runway. We found this odd because their where only 12 to start with. Now with a total of 36 F-34's we found our selves confused. We ran up to Captain Derington, our commanding officer, and asked him what was going on. "I can't tell ya fellas. Wish I could." Was the response we got. We got to the Generals office and that's when it hit. "I called you gentlemen here as a favor from the powers that be. I hear that the two of you are the best F-34 Cougar pilots that the Air Force has. Is that true?" He asked We stood there, silent. And out of the blue. "Yes sir, Lt’s John Inman, and David Austin are the best that currently fly the F-34 fighter. I will say that the skills they have are better then my own sir." The captain states. "Well, in that case, your services are needed. You will ship out as soon as you get your belongings together. You leave in the morning for Japan, you and the all the other F-34's." "Yes sir" We say in unison. We didn't know if this is what we wanted, but we didn't have much choice at the time. Well, at least we got to say good bye to our family's. David spent the time with Jennie, his girlfriend. Me, I just took my pride and joy, my restored 350Z, for one last drive to the mountains. I knew it would be the last time we would be home for a long time, if ever again. We knew that getting shipped to Japan was almost a death sentence for any fighter pilot. The XXXXXXX's had insanely good pilots and also good planes too. Since we pulled out of Iraq back in 2009 and the fall of Turkey, Kazakhstan, Iran, and other key country's, there has been growing unrest in that part of the world. You would think that people would stop fighting over oil. The United States has dropped oil consumption by 40% in the last 20 years, yet we still fight for it like it is gold. Since 2023 the world has had some peace. Well, you do have the small wars in the middle east and also the political stuff that comes up, but for the most part, it has been peaceful for the last 9 years. In 2016 XXXXXXX was formed to be one nation of unity. The United States, Europe, Asia, and Russia all were hesitant, but also at the same time thought that if they where united, it could unite other world problems that have plagued the earth. They where wrong, XXXXXXX has become one of the most powerful country's in the world surpassing Europe and Russia. With having the Black Sea and taking over Pakistan and getting access to the Arabian Sea, they have been able to build a large Navy that can rival the U.S. in force. In short, XXXXXXX has just started World War III.
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S/T/W Tread: http://www.hisstank.com/forum/g-i-jo...tml#post239748 My feedback: http://www.hisstank.com/forum/buy-se...1-skyhawk.html Last edited by Skyhawk; 08-26-2008 at 10:19 PM.. |
08-18-2008, 12:12 AM | #2 |
Banned
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 2,647
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Hmmmm.....
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08-22-2008, 05:17 PM | #3 |
Dremel Happy!
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Tukwila WA
Posts: 2,051
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Soooo.... is that a good 'Hmmmm" or a bad 'Hmmmm'.... ?
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08-22-2008, 05:30 PM | #4 |
aka Walter Sobchak
Join Date: May 2008
Location: philadelphia
Posts: 1,297
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I didn't even make the first full paragraph
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08-25-2008, 10:35 AM | #5 |
Dremel Happy!
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Tukwila WA
Posts: 2,051
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Never mind then......
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08-25-2008, 11:03 AM | #6 |
Random Viper
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Wyoming
Posts: 1,612
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If this is in the future than you should change the date underneath the title, it's a bit confusing, especially since 11/24/07 is a Saturday. The only other advice I got is to develop the characters a little more and help the reader develop a connection. My personal experience with writing is to continually revisit and rewrite.
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08-25-2008, 11:49 AM | #7 |
Dixieland Delight
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: birmingham
Posts: 2,081
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The plotting needs more planning. Starting the story with a serene environment being disrupted into chaos is good, but it goes from hectic to turbulent to wartime. And the dates are confusing. Four or five years being laced into one paragraph is rough, especially when you are describing a dystopian future where your audience has to store all of this key information in their brains for future reference. Dropping important dates like that in dialog is a good start, as it familiarizes the reader with information through association with a character.
If you know the dates are accurate for your story, then rework the way they were dropped for your readership. After a quick read, it seemed like the protagonists were at least 16 in 2007, joined the USAF and became fighter pilots in a matter of months sometime in the late 00's, and were experts on a new jet in 2023 -- so they are in their 30's now? At least that is what a first read through gave me. If I am incorrect, forgive me, but at least you see where I am coming from. Thanks for sharing your story with us. Feel free to do so again. Last edited by camper; 08-25-2008 at 12:11 PM.. |
08-26-2008, 10:15 PM | #8 |
Dremel Happy!
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Tukwila WA
Posts: 2,051
|
Quote:
If this is in the future than you should change the date underneath the title, it's a bit confusing, especially since 11/24/07 is a Saturday. The only other advice I got is to develop the characters a little more and help the reader develop a connection. My personal experience with writing is to continually revisit and rewrite.
I'll post the next 3... Note: The times I'm going off if is real, I looked them up online for the years 2032-2033...
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08-26-2008, 10:17 PM | #9 |
Dremel Happy!
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Tukwila WA
Posts: 2,051
|
Quote:
The plotting needs more planning. Starting the story with a serene environment being disrupted into chaos is good, but it goes from hectic to turbulent to wartime. And the dates are confusing. Four or five years being laced into one paragraph is rough, especially when you are describing a dystopian future where your audience has to store all of this key information in their brains for future reference. Dropping important dates like that in dialog is a good start, as it familiarizes the reader with information through association with a character.
If you know the dates are accurate for your story, then rework the way they were dropped for your readership. After a quick read, it seemed like the protagonists were at least 16 in 2007, joined the USAF and became fighter pilots in a matter of months sometime in the late 00's, and were experts on a new jet in 2023 -- so they are in their 30's now? At least that is what a first read through gave me. If I am incorrect, forgive me, but at least you see where I am coming from. Thanks for sharing your story with us. Feel free to do so again.
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08-26-2008, 10:21 PM | #10 |
Hisstank.Com General
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 12,521
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Good read so far!
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