|
Community Links |
Social Groups |
Pictures & Albums |
Members List |
Search Forums |
Advanced Search |
Go to Page... |
|
Thread Tools |
06-09-2010, 09:23 PM | #1 |
Banned
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: California
Posts: 490
|
Hello all! Can you do me a huge favor and read my story (link below) and review it! Just go to the little review button on the bottom of the story and type it up! Thanks so much!
2012 Chapter 1, a G. I. Joe fanfic - FanFiction.Net |
06-09-2010, 09:24 PM | #2 |
The truth is liberating.
Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 2,422
|
Sweetie, you forgot to attach the link.
__________________
Code Name: One-Stop *IT1(SW/AW/FMF)* My B/S/T list. My Feedback Some of my written musings: Some G.I. Joe lore written by Dallas Martin |
06-09-2010, 09:25 PM | #3 |
Banned
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: California
Posts: 490
|
lol I know! Sorry I am blonde.... lmao
|
06-09-2010, 09:25 PM | #4 |
Hisstank.Com General
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: virginia
Posts: 5,232
|
where's your link? I don't see it...
|
06-09-2010, 09:25 PM | #5 |
Hisstank.Com General
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: virginia
Posts: 5,232
|
ninja'd
|
06-09-2010, 09:35 PM | #6 |
The truth is liberating.
Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 2,422
|
There yah, go!!!... Not bad. It's got the basics down really good. I'm gonna read it another time to give it a full review.
__________________
Code Name: One-Stop *IT1(SW/AW/FMF)* My B/S/T list. My Feedback Some of my written musings: Some G.I. Joe lore written by Dallas Martin |
06-09-2010, 09:47 PM | #7 |
Hisstank.Com General
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: virginia
Posts: 5,232
|
your off to a good start, lets see how it unfolds...
|
06-09-2010, 11:41 PM | #8 |
Question Authority
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Maine
Posts: 12,980
|
Hi Sweetness, you're story overall is pretty good! I like the general storyline you've laid out and the dynamic between SE and Scarlett.
But, you need to work on your sentence structure and how you handle quotes from your characters. For example: "Glad you decided to join us, Scarlett." Beach Head said in his high pitched, and dead serious tone. IMO, that should read... "Glad you decided to join us, Scarlett", Beach Head said in his high-pitched, dead-serious tone. One thing I've learned as an Engineer (who writes procedures and work instructions) is to take a "reader-centric" view. Read your work as if you were the reader. See how it flows, etc. I hope that helps! You've got the beginnings of an interesting story. Keep it going! |
06-10-2010, 12:01 AM | #9 |
The truth is liberating.
Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 2,422
|
Quote:
Hi Sweetness, you're story overall is pretty good! I like the general storyline you've laid out and the dynamic between SE and Scarlett.
But, you need to work on your sentence structure and how you handle quotes from your characters. For example: "Glad you decided to join us, Scarlett." Beach Head said in his high pitched, and dead serious tone. IMO, that should read... "Glad you decided to join us, Scarlett", Beach Head said in his high-pitched, dead-serious tone. One thing I've learned as an Engineer (who writes procedures and work instructions) is to take a "reader-centric" view. Read your work as if you were the reader. See how it flows, etc. I hope that helps! You've got the beginnings of an interesting story. Keep it going! Using the same example above: With a drop-dead tone, Beach Head's high-pitched voice pierced the air like a knife, "Glad you decided to join us, Scarlett." The power words make the difference between the reader simply reading it and the reader actually living it...
__________________
Code Name: One-Stop *IT1(SW/AW/FMF)* My B/S/T list. My Feedback Some of my written musings: Some G.I. Joe lore written by Dallas Martin |
06-10-2010, 06:10 AM | #10 |
Gaelic Hardcase
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Ireland
Posts: 5,324
|
thats pretty good Sweetness.Im interested in where it all goes next
|
Similar Threads | ||||
Thread | Thread Starter | Forum | Replies | Last Post |
G.I.Joe 2 Will Be Eaten Alive IF Released In 2012 | Freedom | Movies DVD Television | 142 | 05-11-2010 07:45 AM |
2012 letdown | Cobra80 | Movies DVD Television | 25 | 03-09-2010 11:36 AM |
2012 : a rant | Nexodusrex | General Discussion | 44 | 12-08-2009 08:48 AM |
2012 Doomsday | Jinx723 | G.I. Joe Toys Modern & General Discussion | 37 | 07-12-2009 07:10 AM |
|
|