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12-21-2021, 07:38 AM | #21 |
Crimson Guard
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Toxo-Zombie Land
Posts: 1,728
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Any chance he was molested when he was younger? It could explain a lot.
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12-21-2021, 04:04 PM | #22 |
Crimson Guard
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Boulder
Posts: 1,574
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Quote:
Yes I'm sort of at a loss on what to do. I've lived with him his entire life. I feel sort of responsible for him for some reason.
He gives me $440 a month plus pays the water bill. I never spent his money but put it in a safe until it added up to over $30k. Then used that plus my savings to get rid of the mortgage. So he's not completely useless, but I can't have a room that should be condemned in the house. I think you've done the right thing here to some degree by giving him a landing pad and a place to stabilize, but it has to work for you. It clearly isn't working for you. If it's time to change or end the arrangement altogether, you can do so with compassion. A situation where two people are yelling at each other at all means that it isn't working. You deserve a roommate who is enriching to your life, and not detrimental. And, you don't owe your brother anything except strong boundaries and compassion. That doesn't mean he gets to walk all over you. It sounds like he has a lot of other issues including poor spending habits, screen addiction and possibly alcoholism to deal with. If you think that he may be an active alcoholic, then I would suggest that you find an Al-Anon meeting near you to visit yourself. (Not AA, Al-Anon is for the suffering loved ones of addicts). They know how to help. You might be bound up in some torturous generational emotional challenges that you just can't see yourself. You don't have to live that way.
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9/1/22 - A Day Which Will Live in Infamy Steevy Maximus - "that Nazi imagery was quaint" |
12-21-2021, 04:27 PM | #23 |
Crimson Guard
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Boulder
Posts: 1,574
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Quote:
The important thing is understanding today though. We only have today. So, understanding "why am I this way" isn't really important. It is natural to learn and understand "why" more through the process of recovery, but "what is the most glaring problem holding me back right now" and "how to I make my next change" is the important thing. The action steps. In this case? New boundaries in some form.
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9/1/22 - A Day Which Will Live in Infamy Steevy Maximus - "that Nazi imagery was quaint" |
12-21-2021, 04:59 PM | #24 |
Hisstank.Com General
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Brooklyn NY!
Posts: 5,239
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Quote:
My brother rents a room from me and he trashed it completely. We had a few drinks and I laid it on the line. I told him either get all that shit out of his bedroom or find another place to live. The room literally stinks. It's disgusting. I told him a grown man should know how to dispose of trash properly.
Then he came back with, "How are you a grown man when you buy toys?". Is this how a lot of people think? That adults can't be toy collectors? It just threw me off. I mean the dude's 40 years old and plays video games all day so he shouldn't have an issue with what I buy being juvenile. The standards of what is and what is not acceptable in society is laughably askew. Don’t let others judge you over the toys. As for your brother, I’m real sorry that you’re going through that. He could have a legit issue and may need legit help, or he’s gotten by with that act for so long that he has no plans on changing it. That’s a tough spot to be in.
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Visit my vintage Joe restoration page! https://www.flickr.com/photos/131988164@N07/albums Cross Country's super smooth feedback thread. http://www.hisstank.com/forum/buy-se...ml#post4456308 Currently available Hasbro items. PM me for your prices (DO NOT be discouraged by the listing prices) https://www.ebay.com/sch/i.html?_dkr...nirtoys&_oac=1 Last edited by Cross Country; 12-21-2021 at 05:34 PM.. |
12-22-2021, 12:32 AM | #25 |
Crimson Guard
Join Date: Nov 2021
Location: MD
Posts: 2,390
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Quote:
So it sounds like he's been living there for over five years, and frankly $440 a month is way below reasonable rent.
I think you've done the right thing here to some degree by giving him a landing pad and a place to stabilize, but it has to work for you. It clearly isn't working for you. If it's time to change or end the arrangement altogether, you can do so with compassion. A situation where two people are yelling at each other at all means that it isn't working. You deserve a roommate who is enriching to your life, and not detrimental. And, you don't owe your brother anything except strong boundaries and compassion. That doesn't mean he gets to walk all over you. It sounds like he has a lot of other issues including poor spending habits, screen addiction and possibly alcoholism to deal with. If you think that he may be an active alcoholic, then I would suggest that you find an Al-Anon meeting near you to visit yourself. (Not AA, Al-Anon is for the suffering loved ones of addicts). They know how to help. You might be bound up in some torturous generational emotional challenges that you just can't see yourself. You don't have to live that way. I actually did spend a chunk of his rent money for a new roof a few years ago which slipped my mind. He wasn't always paying $440 either; it was less initially. So it does help, but I have to wonder how much damage is actually done to the bedroom. What may have leaked into the floor, will the floor needs replaced? It's carpeted with hard wood underneath which can usually withstand a lot but I have no idea until the carpet comes up. The scenario I play out is if I send him on his way and he dies or kills himself, I'd feel guilty. My parents love him but absolutely will not take him back, plus he's making enough to get a half way decent apartment. He just has no sense of responsibility. Won't pay any debts or medical bills, crashed his car into a mailbox years ago and had his check garnished to cover the loan and hasn't driven since, won't do anything to get his license back even after many offers to help. My parents even offered to give him their spare pickup if he got his license back and he won't do it. He'd rather bum rides or walk to work. I talk to my parents about it and they blame me for not doing anything. "If that was my house he won't be doing that." I'm like I've tried multiple times. I even told him point blank to grab his stuff and find somewhere else if he can't respect the place or get his act together. Nothing sinks in or works. I'd have to change all the locks when he's at work and let him be homeless since he won't leave on his own. I'll have to check into the group you mentioned if there are any local. As far as the abuse part I'd have no idea if anything like that happened. He used to stay with my step cousins on weekends when he was a kid and there were some allegations with their parents that came out later. Not involving him so I don't know. Last edited by Trigger2K; 12-22-2021 at 12:57 AM.. |
12-22-2021, 01:13 AM | #26 |
Browncoat
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Ohio. For now.
Posts: 4,266
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Family is a tough nut to crack. It's very hard to toe the line between 'judging' them and 'helping' them. From a purely relational standpoint, I can see why you want to help him... but I also can see why your help could be doing more harm than good. Learning to be self sufficient is one of life's most difficult lessons. We've become a culture that is so reliant on help from those 'above' our station in life - be it government, society, family, etc. If you are too dependent on assistance - you'll never know what you can do on your own.
On a purely 'home value' standpoint... I'd say there is little chance he could do enough damage to offset the money he pays you. I wouldn't even worry about that aspect of it. If he wants to live in filth - so be it. Just make sure the roaches, mice, and flees don't infest the rest of your house. What happens in his room, stays in his room. If not, that becomes a problem. |
12-22-2021, 09:51 AM | #27 |
Cobra Viper
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Mediterranean
Posts: 204
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Well, I would help him in any way I could. Maybe in USA things are less familiar, but I am quite against that. More than rent, I would simply ask for a contribution to the upkeep, water & electricity, or to do small jobs around. If he indeed has a problem with alcohol, which very much seems the case, I would try to get some kind of help of someway, trying not to be drastic but proactive.
And in any case, at some moment he must abandon his room. A good chance to then pay some cleaner to clean everything up, while checking that nothing disappears. Try finding for him a girlfriend or something, see if that can straighten him up. My best wishes for you and your brother, anyway.
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The Cobra Factor My blog about GI Joe and Cobra customs. Toy Soldier Chest My blog about reviewing and showing 1/72 painted figures and WW2 vehicles |
12-23-2021, 05:26 AM | #28 |
Crimson Guard
Join Date: Nov 2021
Location: MD
Posts: 2,390
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I'm not trying to harp on this but I think this bit of info is telling.
I showed my brother this figure tonight and asked him if I should sell it. It's a Sideshow IG-88 12" that lights up with an illuminated stand and everything. Still complete in the box: It's actually his, that I found in his bedroom. He had ZERO idea it was his. I asked him multiple times what I should do with it, and he just said hold onto it until you need the money. This isn't the only thing he has in there. He has a few of those Hot Toys 12" Predators that are worth a lot. And....he doesn't even know it. He's been so fucked up and living in another room/world for so many years he doesn't know what he has. It's like he's totally forgotten a portion of his life. This is part of why I feel like I need to watch out for him. But it's really not easy. Last edited by Trigger2K; 12-23-2021 at 05:31 AM.. |
12-23-2021, 10:57 AM | #29 |
Crimson Guard
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: sitting in my tin can far above the world
Posts: 3,933
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After reading this thread, my opinion (and that is just what it should be taken as, an opinion) is that your brother needs some professional counseling to sort stuff out.
At the very least, it would be a good idea for you to talk with a professional. If nothing else, they should be able to help guide you on how to handle this situation.
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12-23-2021, 02:16 PM | #30 |
Cobra Viper
Join Date: Dec 2021
Location: NYC
Posts: 110
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