|05-05-2008, 09:50 PM||#11|
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Austin, TX
Sounds like she isn't emotionly capable right now to be in a healthy relationship. I know its hard and it sucks but i would let her go and let her know you are there for her as a friend. She really needs to love herself before she can truely love someone else. Ive been down that road and stayed in a relationship longer than i should only because she would make me feel guilty for leaving her. The longer i stayed the more depresed i felt and the harder it was to break it off, but once i did it felt like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Good luck man and i feel for ya.
|05-06-2008, 01:23 AM||#12|
A genteel fellow
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Springfield/Columbia Missouri
Seeing as I've tried to kill myself twice, thought I might throw in my two cents. For me it was the stress of school and feeling like I wasn't living up to the expectations of my parents. Little did I know that the expectations I thought they had of me didn't exist and it was just something in my head. I wound up seeking professional help after my second attempt (running a hose from your muffler to your driver side window in a well ventilated garage is a good way to kill time and money ,but not yourself).
Odds are that she's not hurting you on purpose and feels pretty awful about the fact she's hurting you. I'd drag her ass back to the doctor because they can help motivate the person to overcome their problems . Depression and suicide go together like peanut butter and chocolate so be aware of that.
Depression is a motherfucker to deal with and the person with it either rises above or goes under.
|05-06-2008, 01:32 AM||#13|
Join Date: Feb 2008
Ask yourself one question... Are you happy? If you don't like your life the way it is now, you have the power to change it for the better. Maybe time apart is good, and if your guys ARE meant to be together, then so be it in the end.
|05-06-2008, 01:59 AM||#14|
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Charlotte, NC
I just came out of a relationship that was just like this. I love her very much but because of her depression and suicidal thoughts, I could not be with her. She was so wishy washy that the best thing I could do was be her friend and help her without the stress of a relationship. I have seen her cut her wrists several times and I tell you, it scared the crap out of me each time. She still does not realize why that scared me so bad. I will always be her friend but until she seeks professional help, I can not be with her. I know that lump in your chest that you talk about, I have been there and I still have a heavy heart. I will pray for both of you.
|05-07-2008, 01:25 AM||#15|
Iron Grenadier Sorcerer
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: The Silent Castle
Chances are you have an idea in your mind of what you should do, you just don't know if it's the best thing or not. And there usually is no way to know that.
But be comforted, for this, too, shall pass.
Last edited by Barefoot Jedi; 05-07-2008 at 01:30 AM..
|05-07-2008, 02:04 AM||#16|
$0.98 on clearance
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Benicia, California
Hey SEJN, first off, never doubt yourself and your heart. I know you are a good and kind person. you make a difference in peoples lives...Your friend Marky, It would take all night to type about that. Second..She has a depression and something about her that wares her down. A self destruction in her head that you cant FIX. So shes isolating you from her. Maybe she doesnt want you to experience the self- destruction she feels. You showed her how, and why, and if, and we, can overcome this problem. Let her know you love her. Its up to her, she runs her life, you run YOURS! I wish you the best on this, You have beaten Cancer, you shall overcome this. Im not in your shoes my friend, I threw those out years ago. I feel your pain man, but in the end, It will be worth it!
|05-07-2008, 02:07 AM||#17|
Snipers take their time!
Join Date: Nov 2007
I used to be one for sage advice. I thought I would offer my thoughts take or leave them.
You gave a quick run down but no real details so really everything anyone here has said has been suggestion, advice and thoughts with out the benefit of knowing the whole picture.
Firstly I would say that if her family and her doctor will not acknowledge a problem then either there is not a problem or there is major denial. Either way neither is a good situation for you to be in regardless of Love. There are such things in life as loosing battles. I will tell you that when you are trying to save a drowning person it is easier to toss them a line than try to drag them up.
I'll tell you from personal experience that things ONLY get better when you get rid of the things that hold you back. It is a sad but true concept that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
I also am very familiar with the guilt that having to make this decission is putting on you. And despite everything, your love for her the attachment, whatever... you are feeling guilt. What if this happens, what if that happens. Sometimes the only way to forgive your self is to do the deed first. In other words, for you to start healing you need to cut off the bad parts. Otherwise you are just dealing with all that stress and negativity eating at you. Now there was a therapist on here that offered his free advice. I have always loved the therapists of this world. Their answer is always, "what do you think you should do?" My answer is save the money if I have to figure it out myself anyway.
Love is hard life is hard. If things were meant to be easy we wouldn't have free will or feelings but we do.
So the short answer is that you have to do what is right for you and then forgive yourself for it.
Last edited by jdmountford; 05-07-2008 at 02:10 AM..
|05-07-2008, 02:10 AM||#18|
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Monrovia, CA
having been married for six years, and been in shitty relationships prior, the only advice I can give you is that your relationship with her won't change just because you get married, and she definitely will not either, s don't think it will. it is just wishful thinking to hope that the act of marriage magically makes things better or even changes them. my relationship with my wife was perfect before, that is why we got married -- we were perfect for each other.
this is the person you will be getting for the rest of your life, so take a step back from the emotional part of the relationship that makes you simply feel good and secure because you have somebody and truly think about the relationship in its entirety and what that means for the rest of your life, which doesn't sound healthy, and ask yourself is this person in this condition the person I really want to spend the rest of my life with and who I want my children to be half of. do you really want your children to have a mother that suffers from such depression, not only for how it will affect them in their maturation but the likelihood that it will be passed on to them.
secondly, you need to ask yourself why you not only want to be involved with someone like this, but why you want to continue it in the face of such obvious hardship for you. don't you deserve a better and healthier relationship with someone who is capable of reciprocating her love? knowing why you allow yourself to be treated like this and want to continue to be treated this way is more important than how she behaves, because if it wasn't her it is more than likely you would let someone else treat you that way as well, so the problem is ultimately you, not her. luckily, because it is you, you posses the ability to change those things and be happy. but you can't change her.
Last edited by gunslingercbr; 05-07-2008 at 02:14 AM..
|05-07-2008, 09:22 AM||#19|
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Midway, PA
I can totally identify with your situation. Unfortunately, I don't have any real advice. My girlfriend constantly looks outward for others to make her happy - and all she ever finds is disappointment. I've tried to make her realize that she won't find happiness until she finds it within herself first - but then she looks outward for someone to show her how. It's frustrating, and being felt like you're to blame doesn't help. Especially when staying or leaving both look like they'll make things worse.
But nine times out of ten, suicide threats are just cries for attention. And not attention like "I need help", but attention like "somebody pay attention to me, I'm more important", the way a spoiled child tends to act. You really need to worry about suicide when someone totally withdraws, and won't discuss things, or complain, and becomes very private. But if she wants to leave, then you really shouldn't stop her. I went through a divorce, 6 months after my daughter was born. I didn't want it. But my wife had found someone she thought she would be happier with. Well, she married him, he cheated on her, and they got divorced. She's apologized many times since then, and we're friends again. Hope things work out, dude.
|05-07-2008, 11:33 AM||#20|
Join Date: Jan 2008
One could argue that her insecurities and low self-esteem, both of which are magnified by the distance between you both, has manifested into taunts of suicide. Regardless, treat all talks of suicide seriously!
Understanding the ĎWHYí is relative to your emotional and personal maturity. Those answers come from within as a result of experience and if you can receive itÖ wisdom.
Can I accept her as she is with no change?
Do I want to be more like her?
Do I want to have kids with her?
Do I want my kids to be just like her?
At this point in your relationship, if you canít answer YES without hesitation to every one of those questions, then that person might not be the one compatible for you.
After youíve followed step by step of your OWN advice, the last thing you must do is let go. For me, letting go is hard which is why I set declarations to help sort the women I date before I invest too much of myself. Beyond that itís trial and error. In the meantime, get a journal and record your thoughts and feelings of the days ahead; be as candid and vulgar as need be. The first day of the breakup is always a shock. The first full day is usually the hardest but that second day gets a little easier. Find the courage and strength to walkout your decision at least thirty days before you think about going back for more punishment!
Life is a hard teacher. It gives the test first and the lesson afterwards. I promise you that if you learn from this experience now, next time youíll be better prepared to deal with it promptly and definitely. Once you start dating again, become non-negotiable with the qualities youíre looking for in a mate and donít place commitment before compatibility!
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