|01-09-2010, 08:59 AM||#1|
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Little Rock, Arkansas
I know this is a lot to read but I need advice on how to deal with my husband who is suffering from severe PTSD. And on top of that, I need to feel like at least someone is listening to me right now.
My husband and I have had the greatest relationship since we met 6 years ago. He has been the most amazing, loving, caring, gentle man to me ever. We lost touch for about 3 of those 6 years but ended up finding each other shortly before he was to deploy to Iraq. So, we started dating a few days before he went to Iraq in April of '08 and was gone for about 8 months. He called everyday, we wrote letters, sent pictures, and me surprising him by sending him boxes of joes so that he could have a little bit of back home there with him. He seemed happy, and fine. Unfortunately, He was diagnosed with severe PTSD when he returned home and has been home for a year since December of '09. We got married in April of '09, so we're still technically newlyweds at only 8 months of marriage...Anyways, at first I didn't want to believe he had ptsd or that it wasn't as bad as he was told.
But within the last few months things have gotten worse, and fast. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time, and I feel like no matter what I say or do that he's going to explode on me, and I feel like a POS wife. He says he's going to get help and has acknowledged that he needs it but when he gets angry and blows up he always says how he doesn't need anyone, or anyone's help. I'm trying to deal with this in the best christian way possible. We go to church, and quite a few people in our church are in the guard as well, but he just won't talk to them..or me for that matter! I'm always told how "You're a civilian, you won't understand!" I may not understand but at least I'm willing to listen right?! He does apologize after his blow ups (most of the time) but it still isn't fair. I'm tired of getting my feelings hurt, I'm tired of feeling like I'm not as important to him as the army is, I'm tired of him telling me how feelings don't matter and him not listening to me and my feelings when I need him to, and I'm tired of feeling like I'm less of a person than he is.
I'll admit that I may not treat him right all the time, but when I don't it's simply because of how inferior I feel or how scared I am of him sometimes.
There's more to it but I've already said enough and you get the picture.
All in all, I love my husband VERY much and I'd do anything for him, and anything to help him get better but at this point I just give up. I don't know how to deal with him having ptsd, I don't know what to do. I know he loves me because I feel it, and I see it...less now than I used to..but I want the sweet, loving, giving, AMAZING, guy that I met and fell in love with...I want him to be the man he was before going to Iraq....when he cared about making me happy and making me smile and laugh all the time..when I actually felt like I was the sparkle in his eyes because now there's none but I don't think it'll ever happen.
Thank you to whoever takes the time to read all of this...It's greatly appreciated.
A link to my artwork
Last edited by Mrs.Riot; 01-09-2010 at 09:06 AM..
|01-09-2010, 09:22 AM||#2|
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Cleburne Tx
I too suffered from PTSD. The military offers a life skills program that can help him deal with his issues. I was in terrible shape. I had very erratic nightmares. I was having one so bad I accidentally punched my girlfriend in the back of her skull while I was asleep. I wanted to kill myself i was so ashamed. I know I was having a nightmare but it made me feel awful. She understood what I was going through and forgave me which only made me feel worse. I would sleep walk I kicked a wall in my sleep and broke my big tow. I never felt so guilty for just existing. after a while I couldn't share a bed with anyone. I'd waking screaming or covered in sweat. after a while I swallowed my pride and got some help. I still have some problems but I use what I learned and it gets me through it. I'm still with my girl four years later. We have our close calls but we do ok.
When I'm through, they'll scrape you off the wall with a squeegee!
|01-09-2010, 09:34 AM||#3|
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: THE GARDEN STATE OF EDEN!
i'm sorry to hear this mrs. riot.. what is ptsd anyway? post something syndrome? i have no advice on this situation doll, sorry. other than he needs to talk to someone profesional about this..
|01-09-2010, 09:38 AM||#4|
Join Date: Nov 2008
Contrary to what he says and may think, he DOES need help.
|01-09-2010, 09:40 AM||#5|
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Toronto & Montreal
Hey Mrs. Riot,
I had someone very close to me who had PTSD. His fiancee was like you. Very caring and also just a "civilian". I too am just a "civilian". Those of us that aren't in the service will never understand what they go through but it doesn't mean that we aren't understanding. We try very hard to give so much care to those with PTSD. It's not cancer and it's not AIDS but it's something that I believe is on the same level because we feel we're losing them just the same.
Your husband IS a special person because you still care. You made that decision at the altar and in life. I'm not a doctor and I haven't met you or your husband but aside from being part of the family of (Human Beings), we are also part of the family at HISSTank. So I'll send you some strength. At least some inner strength. I'm sure that many of the members here will do the same. I am Christian too, so I'm going to pray for you and for your husband. If we were kids and lived in the same area, I would also invite both of you over to make bases and play G.I.Joe. That always helped.
Honestly, what you're going through isn't easy but know that even strangers here care for your situation and heck for you and your husband. I wish I could help you more. Take care Mrs. Riot. Keep strong and have faith. Respect to you and your husband.
|01-09-2010, 09:45 AM||#6|
The Man of The Hour
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: In the now and then
The military is finally dealing with this after generations of soldiers suffering. To alot of soldiers asking for help may not be the easiest thing to do, but it's a vital one. PTSD has ruined the lives of countless soldiers and it's a very serious matter.
I can't offer you any real specific advice as to how to deal with things on your end. I myself went through alot of relationships, both romantic and platonic, because I couldn't bring myself to connect with anyone, and still struggle with feelings of alienation almost two decades later. All I can tell you is that you both should seek help if you want to save your marraige and help him. Perhaps talking to a professional about the best way to approach the subject with him is a good place to start.
I wish you, and your husband the best, and hope you can overcome this.
|01-09-2010, 09:49 AM||#7|
Join Date: Jan 2009
I don't understand how people deal try to deal with these things. My only advice would be to let em go, but that is apparently easier said then done. I have always been the type of person, to immediately cut people off from my life the minute they start bring negative energy into it. I am a very positive person and I remain this way mostly due to the fact that I don't allow negativity into my cipher. That is one of the best pieces of advice I can give anyone. If you want to achieve love, peace & happiness, you have to keep positive people and positive energy in your circumference at all times and reject or deflect the negative.
Link to my Buy/Sell/Trade thread: (HUGE COLLECTION ON SALE CHEAP!! EVERYTHING MUST GO!!)
Here is a link to my feedback thread:
|01-09-2010, 10:11 AM||#8|
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Midway, PA
The hardest part (and most often neglected) of dealing with PTSD is understanding that as a member of the military, you're constantly drilled on what to do in combat situations, and then after surviving that experience you're suddenly removed from it, and expected to go right back into a regular, normal life. And the brain just cannot cope with it. I was in the service for over six years and spent a year in Iraq, and there's a large part of me that craves that life and wants it back, because living a regular 9 to 5 job and buying groceries and driving to work and all that other stuff people do every day just seems so pointless. It's extremely hard to adjust to it, and there's no way to reintroduce a soldier back into a non-combat environment that will happen without any negative residual effects. And for those that have never experienced this (typically a spouse), it's impossible to understand. So you have two people trying to coexist with life experiences that come from two different extremes, and obviously there will be misunderstandings, which frequently leads to arguments.
And sadly, there is no real definitve way to deal with the problem of PTSD without understanding the way the individual has been affected by their experiences first, and understanding how to communicate to that person through the PTSD. I know it can only exacerbate the situation, but he really should go talk to a specialist about it. And if one doesn't help, then try another. His experiences are a part of him now, and you'll never be able to go back, unfortunately.
Maybe a change of lifestyle could help. Obviously, I don't know anything about your personal situation aside from what you wrote above, but if it would help him by picking up a new hobby, changing his career to something more exciting, or even camping or hunting, anything to keep his mind preoccupied. I've been devoting the majority of my free time writing fiction. A lot of veterans write about their experiences in combat, and once it's out, they frequently feel better. I hope you that things start turning around for the both of you. Good luck.
Disclaimer: The aforementioned post is the express opinions and ideas of the poster, and do not imply that those who have taken the time to read these views on this open forum should share or agree with them.
|01-09-2010, 10:14 AM||#9|
Join Date: Feb 2009
wow I dunno what to say . PTSD can be very hard thing to deal with . I hope him the best for getting through this troubling time.
Feedback for me
ďSi vis pacem, para bellumĒ
|01-09-2010, 10:27 AM||#10|
Join Date: Sep 2009
Miss Riot, please understand that whatever your husband says when the blows up or has nightmares, etc, he's not doing this on purpose. PTSD is not to be taken lightly and I hazard the guess that he won't be able to cope with it without professional help.
Is he still in the service? If he's been diagnosed they won't just let him hang out to dry.
In addition that what has been said above, one prob is that in the military community PTSD is still not acknowledged as a serious issue. Often it is dismissed as something the "weak" get, but that's a load of BS. When you're part of a macho-type community, you're supposed to be a lean, mean badass and these kind of people don't get PTSD. That's the nutshell he's in when he says that a civilian won't understand. To a degree he's right. They don't.
All you can do is to be patient, caring and loving, but he needs to seek professional help. Otherwise there's a good chance that he'll never be able to cope with it.
I know people who still have nightmares about things that happened almost twenty years ago. We didn't have psychatrists back then. That, gladly enough, has changed.
Last edited by Stuart_Selkirk; 01-09-2010 at 10:29 AM..
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