|01-09-2010, 10:47 AM||#11|
Join Date: Jun 2009
The military has gotten much better about dealing with PTSD. Get him help, it may mean talking with his battle buddy or friends to convince him. Check out the VA link below for info and where to get help.
Where to Get Help for PTSD - National Center for PTSD
|01-09-2010, 10:59 AM||#12|
Join Date: Jun 2009
I also suffer from PTSD, and it takes a strong person to make a career of military, and even stronger spouse to put up with the tough times. If your not up to the challenge, then you need to find someone else. I understand your husband, I feel bad for him. Its too easy for you to quit on him, use his outburst as a guilt free ticket out of the marriage. Your husband is a service member, you may not have what it takes to be his spouse. He has demons that haunt him day and night. He struggles to makes sense of things, prob wishes he could go back to the combat zone. Your busy feeling sorry for yourself. Its no excuse that he is with drawn, or angry, irratiable, easily set off. Your prob re thinking your whole situation right about now. You wil prob quit on him, like many army wives before you. So be it. As for him simply needing help. Lets be realistic, the sytem in the Army is there to check the block, no real help. Question is , you need to be there for him period, on leave now. Dont waste his time, he's got a job to do! He is prob leaving real soon again. Finally, some women marry soldiers with un realistic expectations. Wecolme to our world.
|01-09-2010, 11:23 AM||#13|
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Northwood, NH
I have a friend, married to a Spec Ops-Marine (he's never talked about his time in the Marines or what he did exactly), he'd wake up sometimes in the middle of the night and a couple times was sleeping and started choking her in the middle of a nightmare.
They worked thru it, been married 10+ years now.
Like others have said, the military wires you up but they don't unwire you either.
I've always thought that combat soldiers, when it comes time to fully rejoin civilian life, needs some kind of buffer period. I have no idea what it could be or how it could work, but they need some kind of adjustment period to get the unwiring started.
Criminals that have spent significant amounts of time in prison suffer from the same thing. You get used to living one way and just can't adjust to the new life.
The thing is that he has to want to become a civilian.
My friend listed above, he has no trappings of his former life. They have one picture of the Marine emblem hanging up, but the rest of it, you would never know he was a former soldier. That's how he ended up dealing with it. It became a former chapter of his life.
My grandfather, a Marine from WW2, was able to make the adjustment and he proudly flies the Marine Flag every day at his home, and everyone knows that he's a Marine ("not as lean, not as mean, but still a Marine" as his bumper sticker states).
I guess the point is that your husband, with your support, has to find his own way of dealing with it and integrating himself into civilian life.
I dont' think PTSD is a problem that church can help with, it's something that only other soldiers can help him with. Use the link above, see if he'll go to the local Vet's Center. He needs to talk to others that went thru what he went thru.
If he refuses to talk, I don't know what you can do.
|01-09-2010, 11:25 AM||#14|
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Rhode Island
I wish I could add something to this thread in order to provide helpful information. Instead I look at the man above post and wonder if he read the post. Clearly she loves her husband, loves him enough not to leave already but how much does a woman have to take? A soldier isn't a saint be it a man or woman...they are trained to kill at the order of one man. If your husband isn't seeking help, isn't trying to find a way to get back some normalcy in his life then he is making a choice, just that choice isn't you. I think you two need to have a long conversation and don't let him blowing up stop you from it.
|01-09-2010, 11:26 AM||#15|
Join Date: Feb 2009
I read it a couple times because I'm seeing comments on here as if you said you were going to leave him--but you never wrote that. You did say you give up, but I think you mean as far as fighting to get him to get help and change.
I see think if that love is there like you say, you have to change methods to try and get him to go. If he acknowledges it but won't do it, then maybe he needs coaxing. I've dealt with short tempered people before & I know its easiest to just walk away, but it sound like you care for him, so try a little harder to get him to go.
If it doesn't work, and you do have to leave, remember there is no set limit on how long relationships or marriages last. People judge, so ignore them. YOU will know the truth of how hard you worked and how you felt it was neccessary to go.
There's my 2 cents. Sorry to hear bad news on such a cool lil site.
Yes, I have a Trade List....
Check out my feedback thread:
|01-09-2010, 11:45 AM||#16|
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New Jersey
I'm very sorry to hear that you are going through this horrible thing.
I suffered from PTSD as well. But enough of the acronym...shellshock! Anyways, I went from a military discipline to a more serene and calm atmosphere, which took many years to get to. Then I got involved with Donna 5 years ago and things were fine...until I got my last 2 jobs.
Call centers can be tough and full of stress. Comcast Cable was certainly no picnic, but it was manageable and I think I only got burned out once. Then they laid me off, and I found another place. This place now deals with people who do not know English and take tests to prove they pretend to know it. Well, I use up all patience in 2 hours there and after managing after 6 more hours...I go home. So any little thing sets me off now, which royally sucks for Donna because she is mentally and physically disabled. While she can do most things, she is not as fast and I subconsciously see that as a weakness. We love each other and I'm on Prozac now to calm down because if I don't, I'll lose the love of my life.
|01-09-2010, 11:47 AM||#17|
Join Date: Jul 2008
This really is the best advice. He can talk to someone confidentially at the VA without anyone at his Guard unit knowing about it.
I think you might show him this thread here as well. There are a lot of us on here that have been to Iraq. I'm in the Guard and I can tell you from experience that this is something you shouldn't let go. My unit didn't lose a Soldier until after we got home.
The both of you can feel free to pm me anytime.
|01-09-2010, 11:59 AM||#18|
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Mechanicsburg Pa
Hello Mrs. Riot
Your posting of this issue is clear evidence to me that you love your husband very very much- do not let anyone tell you anything to the contrary. Another poster prior to mine provided you the link to the VA PTSD assistance. My advice is to get on board with that.
Mental health issues are tricky as it takes the individual in question to take the first step in saying "Help me, I have a problem." Be it PTSD, Alcoholism, Drug abuse, etc. It's one of the most difficult things to do for a person.
Here is my advice to you, based on my knowledge of the issue:
1.) Remove any weapons or anything else that could be used to put someone in immediate danger in the house- guns, knives, etc. Unfortunately, there are cases where guns, knives, etc are used in connection with PTSD- remove those potential threats immediately.
2.) Get a buddy for yourself- find a close friend you can consult with to help you through all this- his parents would be a good place to start. Perhaps consider going to a Mental Health professional yourself, if for no other reason than to deal with the stress on your end.
3.) Remove "Stressors"- loud or aggresive music- certain movies like slasher films or especially war movies- anything that could trigger a memory to a bad event. Alcohol and drugs should be removed immediately. Beer is a depressant which will only aggravate the situation.
4.) Try to isolate times when the PTSD effects seem to kick in- a lot of vets have issues at night during their sleep. If this is an issue, then perhaps you should consider sleeping in seperate rooms for awhile. This isn't to punish either of you but more to protect you from a potentially hazardous situation- which some guys here have admitted to. Some studies I have read recommend playing ambient music (ocean sounds, etc) at night before bed.
5.) Consider logging on to the forum at goarmy.com- they have professionals there that can steer you in the right direction.
6.) Consider reaching out to your local VFW post or perhaps your local county government va rep.
7.) Listening is key too- he may need you to simply listen to him. Listening can help diffuse a situation before it escalates. This is something where being a good listener can have amazing results.
8.) Don't settle for violence. Sometimes these things reach a point where the spouse (or unfortunately children) of the veteran can be physically injured. If he wasn't in the service, you wouldn't let him punch or otherwise abuse you- don't settle for it now. We took the oath to defend our country- that NEVER EVER gave us the right to abuse those we swore to defend- it DOESN'T give him an excuse to do that. I have seen scores of women suffer through this because they believe they have to- you don't!! If it comes to that- and I pray it doesn't, then report the situation to the cops. Who knows, the case goes before the judge and then he is ordered to attend therapy sessions, then he is legally mandated to get the help he wasn't willing to get on his own- everything works out and the two of you can work on the forgiveness issue.
9.) Consider getting him to the gym- physical activity releases a lot of pent up stress and frustration which studies have shown lead to triggering PTSD symptoms.
10.) Consider reaching out to his chain of command and discussing options with them- a lot of these Guard units have family and morale support teams- seek them out- chances are you aren't the only one dealing with this.
You are one of a legion of proud and responsible women (and now men) who have watched a loved one deal with PTSD. Stand proud and keep your head up high that you took the effort to try to reach out to someone to help your husband. Army wives are the greatest asset to the military. Your step forward to seek assistance reflects very very highly upon yourself and the sisterhood you represent and you honor all veterans by your willingness to stand by your husband through all this. I am not going to tell you that the answer will be an easy one and everything will be roses once he settles down- chances are they won't- PTSD will be something he will have to deal with for the rest of his life. But, if he takes the proper steps and gets help, then he can live with this much like anyone else who has a Mental Health issue.
Kindest personal regards and God Bless you sister!!
"He sings the tunes that make women swoon"
|01-09-2010, 12:11 PM||#19|
Crimson lady of the Guard
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Somewhere out there
I can understand your situation. I had to deal with a person who suffered from PTSD, it really is hard. He turned to drugs and ruined our relationship. In the end I had to leave him. I was not strong enough to handle the mental abuse he heaped on me.
It is a very difficult thing to do, dealing with PTSD. It is not just his problem it is also yours. If you love him and he is willing, have him see a Doctor. Just the fact that you are willing to stick with him proves you love him. Take care of yourself, OK.
Lots of love.
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|01-09-2010, 12:20 PM||#20|
Join Date: Jun 2009
The military community does recoginze PTSD as a serious issue, your statement is in accurate. Perhaps prior to 2001 and early 2003 your statement may have been true.
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