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11-02-2009, 05:47 PM | #1 |
Banned
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Georgia
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I never watch the GI Joe cartoon very much when I was young. We didn't get the channel all the time on our antenna, and I just had the comics. I've watched them recently, and I think the last thing I laughed at was Cobra Commander lasering away money for "Cobra Cash" or some crap. Whatever, it was hilarious. Of course, there are some equally retarded ideas out there.
The First Earth Battalion was one of many insane ideas proposed to the US military. This whacko idea was conceived by Lieutenant Colonel Jim Channon, an American soldier who served in ‘Nam, and was obviously out of his freaking mind. Apparently LTC Channon freebased Agent Orange and wore LSD deodorant. Yes, the idea was that crazy. Channon missed a very important memo about the military being an organization based on terminating the life functions of other human beings. His idea was to reconstruct our current military into something more nightmarish than a clown invasion from Planet X. Channon wanted a “New Age” military. His idea was basically to carry animals of peace such as lambs and doves into hostile countries. And unlike Ozzy, there would be no head-biting; the intent was to win their hearts and minds. He also thought that massive “hug assaults” would be effective in such an assault. To make things more disturbing, he wanted to incorporate a physical fitness program consisting of Yoga stretches and meditation, and make the soldiers vegetarians and use shiatsu massages for first aid. Since it’s already obvious he was a little bit on the “hippie” side, let me clarify- I said he was INSANE. Yes, crazy. Hippies aren’t insane, really. They’re just stupid. Channon was downright nuts. How so? The other side of this “new army” was that supposedly by becoming a bunch of weenie hippies, They would be able to: fall in love with everyone, realize the different paths of spirit, perceive the auras of living organisms, organize a tree plant with kids, attain the power to pass through objects such as walls (teleportation), bend metal by using the power of the mind (psychokinesis), walk on fire, operate based on spirit communications (mediumship), become a peacemaker, actually change a violent pattern in the world (Maharishi Effect), calculate faster than a computer, control their heart rate—including making it stop—with no ill effects, intuit information from the past (retrocognition) or future (precognition), have out-of-body experiences, live off nature for twenty days, have the ability to massage and cleanse the colon, stop using mindless cliches, stay out alone at night, and be able to intuit other people's thoughts and feelings (telepathy). In reality, he was pretty stupid. If you gave half of that to the military, we’d be mind-blasting those heathen terrorists off our oil and be back in time for Budweiser and Hot Wings. Oh, and it gets crazier- He wanted to unify all the armies in the world under this one force and go out and take over other planets. Project MK-ULTRA Project MK-ULTRA was a broad project by the CIA during the Cold War Era. Since the Cold War was basically a big pissing contest between the superpowers of the world, insanity was to be expected. At this point in time, it is my honest opinion that the US Military and CIA were basically getting together to try stuff out “for the hell of it” and to “party like rock stars”. MK ULTRA was really nothing more than gathering a bunch of army volunteers (by asking who wanted a 3-day weekend every week for the rest of the year) and locking them in a room and saying “smoke this”. It is indeed a new military now, and I have to say that the greatest days are long gone. Some of the substances tested were knockout pills, substances to make someone act like a nutcase, substances to make people smarter, “sober-up” pills, “get drunk faster” pills, drugs that made you look like you had a disease so you could fake it, hypnosis drugs, pills to defeat “truth serums”, pills to make it easier to withstand torture and interrogation techniques, drugs to make people forget everything, drugs to induce a euphoria with no “crash” effect afterward, drugs to make someone obsessed with someone else, drugs that make someone and underachiever, and God Almighty knows what else. Indeed, this is probably where JagerMeister originated. The CIA was willing to make a pill that could do anything and everything. Next time you see “Crazy Old Vietnam Willie”, remember that there’s a slight chance that he could very well be one of the volunteers. Project Stargate This was another wacko military idea. Of course, this time- we’re using Psychics. Yeah, those very same people who use cold readings and vague prophesies to charge you $200.00 so you can get a clear idea of what lottery numbers you should pick. And make you look like a jackass. Because you are. It is worth noting that this is what I refer to as an epic prank- One idea suggests that the Soviets pretending to use Psychics just to screw with the US. America, not willing to be outdone, flushed a metric ton of taxpayer dollars (20 Million Bucks) down the toilet looking for and employing “psychics”. To be perfectly honest, it wasn’t like we were all over this as the greatest possible weapon against those damned commies. It was used “when all other means of observation and reconnaissance were exhausted or where unavailable”- which basically means “We’ve done everything and got nothing, might as well use Nostradumbass because we have no damned dignity left anyway”. Hell, they had an 80% failure rate. Common sense tells me that those 20% that were correct were something along the lines of “I see communists in Russia”. It’s this sort of thinking that keeps America going, because mediocrity isn’t a complete failure. Of course, there were a few cases where Psychics did indeed predict some events- but even a broken clock is right twice a day. Oh, and for an extra slap in the face- these psychics were making $500,000 a year up until the year 1995. Remember this when you think back on your sub-standard high school facilities. The Nazi Death Star. Of all the wackjob ideas the Nazis had- and some of them were pretty state of the art- this one takes the cake. The idea was to launch a giant concave mirror into space and use it to disintigrate people. Like a magnifying glass. So, long before Gears of War gave us the weapon, people were already planning on dropping the wrath of the sun on someone’s head. How long before? 1929 was when the first idea was proposed, and the Nazi’s grabbed it up during WW2. Yes, they hated us enough to laser us like ants. What happened to the idea? Well, it’s not completely thrown out. Using an orbital defense system to fry some jerk is a definite possibility. Hell, we’ve got missile launchers on satellites. Of course, we all know that it’s sort of ridiculous to have a superweapon that gets owned by cloud cover. The Gay Bomb. Yes. I’m not even kidding. They tried to weaponize homosexuality. Of course, the logic isn’t completely impossible- the idea was to hit the enemy with a lot of insane aphrodisiacs and pheromones in a concentrated form, and send them into a frenzy of man-lovin’ to take them out of the war. Wright Laboratory in Ohio came up with this brainchild, along with other ideas like using chemicals to turn insects and rodents into death swarms, gas for making people smell sickeningly horrible, and all manner of other insanity. Of course, none of it actually worked. The day it does, I quit the Army and I will be in my bunker. Please do not come and look for me. Weaponized Animals. Since the dawn of time, man has looked upon the ferocity of animals and said “I wish I could make that kill for me”. Actually, most of them probably said “OMFG SABER-TOOTHED TIGER! RUN BACK TO CAVE!” and crapped all over themselves. But ever since some point, we have been the biggest pricks in the food chain- we aren’t content with killing animals for food and sport, or capturing them and keeping them as pets- we want to send them out to kill the other people. Carrier pigeons were common, but something during WW2 struck a Mindbender-caliber dental surgeon named Lyle Adams- attach explosives to millions of bats and send them after the Japanese. To think that this idea was passed over in favor of two atomic warheads baffles me. There would have been far less casualties, maybe- but no one would ever have the juevos to mess with the USA ever again. Dude, BATS. On fire. Exploding. WIN FOREVER. Of course, they also devised cat-torpedoes that, according to their crackhead theory, could guide a bomb to the nearest boat and blow it up- because, you know… cats hate water and want to get away from it. Since the Russians have to top everyone, they came up with a simple idea- train dogs that there is food under tanks. When you strap a bomb to them, you can let them go on the battlefield- and they’ll go under a tank and you can explode it. Wow, Russia. Way to lower the bar and blaze your own trail to hell. Oh, right… what about the Americans? They decided that we could show those damned Russians how to really make PETA crap their pants and kick ass at the same time- the US Navy came up with the idea of strapping nukes to Orcas to send to enemy shores. Take that, commies. We just violated the Geneva Convention and won the Whale Wars. |
Baron Samedi |
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11-02-2009, 05:51 PM | #2 |
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LOL.
This is hilarious. But Cobra certainly added some of those flight inventions to their arsenal. You know the goofy ones you always see in archival footage? |
11-02-2009, 05:53 PM | #3 |
#voteblackjack
Join Date: Sep 2008
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No one ever said humanity was smart.
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11-02-2009, 05:57 PM | #4 |
Samurai Bunny
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Tulsa, OK
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Amazing. Some of this I'm not sure of, but at least some if it is factual. Nice research.
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11-02-2009, 06:16 PM | #5 |
Fliegende Sturmtruppen
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: miami, FL
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You forgot "Rods from God"...These would be Thick Titanium Rods attached to an orbiting Sattelite and released when they reached their intended targets coordinates...They would not be "weaponized", no explosives or any such devices, they would destroy by sheer gravitational velocity...Ingenious and totally plausible.
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