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11-26-2007, 06:13 PM | #1 |
DDP did it better
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: The Grid.
Posts: 4,262
|
Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around on the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences: 1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night? 2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time. 3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock. 4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras. 5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. The phrase 'let's F***'is illegal from now on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially in public. 5. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities. 6. The "hook-up." Need I say more? Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership. Thank you, Your biggest fan P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. British Constitution 3. Passive-aggressive disorder THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. 2. Nope, no more beer for me. 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing. |
11-26-2007, 06:58 PM | #2 |
yeah......
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,292
|
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lt. Faceless
P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. British Constitution 3. Passive-aggressive disorder |
11-26-2007, 06:58 PM | #3 |
SurveillancePort.com
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: M.A.R.S. EVERGLADES ARMORY
Posts: 21,464
|
LOL! Abso-friggin'-lutely hysterical!
That gets a BIG amen from me (except for the part of calling ex boyfriends ;) ) |
11-26-2007, 07:14 PM | #4 |
DDP did it better
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: The Grid.
Posts: 4,262
|
Quote:
Originally Posted by sharke
what the hell conversations do you have when drunk that involve a British constitution, cinnamon, and a passive-aggressive disorder?
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11-26-2007, 08:23 PM | #5 |
Blabbering Immortal Ninja
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Hayward/San Francsico, California
Posts: 2,164
|
i got to copy this down! i will show my friends!
__________________
OH ITS RAININ' MECHS! OH LORDY ITS RAININ' MECHS! |
11-27-2007, 12:45 PM | #6 |
yeah......
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,292
|
Quote:
Originally Posted by C.I.A.D.
(except for the part of calling ex boyfriends ;) )
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lt. Faceless
When does anything a drunk says make sense?
|
11-27-2007, 12:49 PM | #7 |
Hisstank.Com General
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Greensboro, NC
Posts: 13,759
|
Quote:
Originally Posted by sharke
Quote:
Originally Posted by C.I.A.D.
except for the part of calling ex boyfriends ;)
you have to understand....he doesn't consider any of them "Exes" :p |
11-28-2007, 06:32 PM | #8 |
Crimson Guard
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Marysville, ca
Posts: 4,498
|
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shogi
you have to understand....he doesn't consider any of them "Exes" :p
__________________
check out my store for great deals www.jasonsjoesandmore.com feedback: http://www.hisstank.com/forum/buy-se...bikerboy1.html B/S/T http://www.hisstank.com/forum/g-i-jo...ml#post1324005 |
12-01-2007, 08:40 PM | #9 |
Crimson Guard
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Michigan in the sticks
Posts: 1,156
|
Quote:
Originally Posted by bluebikerboy1
lol the secret is out
__________________
Mah feedback: http://www.hisstank.com/forum/buy-se...joe071681.html Mah needs list: http://www.hisstank.com/forum/g-i-jo...ack-parts.html |
12-01-2007, 08:56 PM | #10 |
Moderatrix Extreme
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 532
|
I feel that I should step up and defend C.I.A.D. here........but I'm too drunk at the moment.....:p
__________________
Non illigitamus carborundum~Vos mos non effrego mihi JoeSpecialOps.com~coming soon!!! Visit JoeBattlelines!!! |
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