|03-30-2009, 11:46 AM||#1|
Join Date: Feb 2009
You may have to be military to get these, but enjoy nonetheless...Ah, the ones who didn't make the cut:
T.U.R.D. Viper- (Totally Unskilled Retarded Dumbass). Some Vipers go on to do great things. Some are lucky to get their helmets on facing the right direction. COBRA sees no point in wasting a man by discharging him, after all- there's a lot of cleaning to do and who better to do it than the guy who can't remember where he put his rifle? Comes with floor buffer, mop, and dunce hat.
S.L.U.T. Viper- (Skanky Lewd Unrestrained Tramp). Wherever there is trouble, GI Joe is there... and wherever GI Joe is, hoes seem to follow for the sake of military benefits and a constant supply of men with few options. COBRA knows just how important a "barracks hoe" is, and the S.L.U.T. Viper is their way of ensuring that their troops get good quality "recreation and welfare". S.L.U.T.s are frequently screened by Dr. Mindbender for any signs of STD's, thus eliminating a host of problems and a massive number of COBRA troops in sick call. "Call us depraved if you want. When the Joes are getting Pennicillin Shots because Cover Girl decided to 'boost morale', we'll be ready to take them down!" Comes with... uh... some... accessories... yeah.
Night Crappers- A group of ninjas able to infiltrate any compound, these fearsome foes sneak into the Joe's barracks at night and leave a massive floater in their toilet. This tactic, though strange, causes Joe members to fail health and welfare inspections, taking them out of the fight for a few hours while Cobra runs amok on the remaining troops. "You'll know when they've been here, because someone screams out 'who dropped a deuce in my latrine?'. After that, we're in deep shit". Comes with TP, Newspaper, and droppable trousers.
And now, the Joes...
Motard-Primary MOS- Ass-kissing. Secondary MOS- Annoyance. Hailing from a long line of military men, Motard was born a weakling and a nerd. Desperate to make up for his lack of testicular fortitude, he enlisted in the Joe team. He spends most of his time selecting ridiculous training tasks that only allow him to succeed, or screaming "Yo Joe!" all the time, much to the annoyance of his fellow team members. He thinks himself the best the Joe team has to offer, despite being tasked as General Hawk's driver and secretary. "He's also not good at anything except military duty, and he never meets women. He's motivated, but he's retarded. How do you think he got his codename?" Comes with talking backpack with literally, too damn many phrases.
Lover Girl- Primary MOS- Morale, Welfare, and Recreation. Secondary MOS- Single Mother. Lover Girl was what most of the guys back home called "a practice girl". She joined the Joe team simply for the sake of male attention, having only to compete with 3 other females on the team but having multiple other men to choose from. She spends most of her time being offended by anything perverted and filing complaints, thus ensuring her rank and decimating that of other Joes. When the work day is over, she gets a few beers and immediately misplaces her uniform, oftentimes becoming acquainted with new Joe members every morning- sometimes even an entire squad. She is currently, for the third time, expecting a "little Joe" and has no idea who the father may be. In her 3 years of service, she's been pregnant more than anything else. At this rate, she could replinish any casualties the team sustains over the years. "She's a waste of money, she's still getting promoted on technicalities, and I have no idea what it is she has to keep working on under Duke's desk every day." Comes with 2 children of random color and appearance, maternity blouse, empty beer bottles, and Sexual Harassment Complaint
Enjoy. More to come.
Last edited by Baron Samedi; 03-30-2009 at 11:48 AM..
|03-30-2009, 12:16 PM||#2|
Join Date: Nov 2008
Ya know, S.L.U.T. Viper be a joke, but that's pretty close to how the Germans did things.
|03-30-2009, 12:27 PM||#3|
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Northwood, NH
The concept of the "barracks ho" is as old as there have been soldiers. And, hate to say it, but it's not that bad an idea for morale...
|03-30-2009, 12:30 PM||#4|
Join Date: Feb 2009
The Romans actively recruited women for the duty, because it kept the soldiers' morale up. Plus, sitting around a bunch of hardlegs is one thing, having some bimbo to exagerrate your stories to gives you a reason to get up in the morning.
Think about it- Germans, Romans, hmmm... almost took over the world.
As they say, behind every good man is a good woman.
|03-30-2009, 02:19 PM||#5|
Join Date: Feb 2009
As they say, behind every good man is a good woman.[/QUOTE]
...and INSIDE every good woman is a man... lol.
|03-31-2009, 05:01 PM||#6|
Mad Scientist at Large
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Portland, OR
Ever wonder where the name "hookers" come from? Popular legend claims Gen. Joseph "Fighting Joe" Hooker to thank for that, and his tried and true method of keeping Union Soldiers in fighting spirit up. Historically, though, it's been found that the word was in use before he was a public figure, but the legends of his antics keeps it alive.
|03-31-2009, 05:15 PM||#7|
Join Date: Dec 2008
You forgot the Norris Viper... He sneaks into your post at night with a Sharpie and covers the walls of your crappers with "Chuck Norris Facts"
My favorite: Chuck Norris recently visited the Virgin Islands... They are now just called "The Islands"...
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