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|On the fence||84||13.10%|
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|08-14-2009, 07:44 PM||#1551|
Join Date: Feb 2009
GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra.
GI Joe starts off with a Scottish guy who is apparently selling weapons to both sides of a war involving the French. I know this is a big deal, because if the other side even has weapons or attempts to fight, the French don't have a chance. So they get pissed and put a blazing-hot mask on some guy's face and then they probably lost the hell out of whatever war they were fighting.
This guy who boned the French apparently has a kid, and that kid has more kids and now one of them is selling weapons to NATO. I'm not even sure you can sell weapons to NATO, but he basically tells them that he took the cure for cancer and weaponized the shit out of it. NATO claps and starts swiping goverment credit cards without so much as considering words like "morally objectionable", "possible liability", or "potentially destructive". General Hawk gets a little concerned and knows something is wrong, probably because he doesn't trust any guy who claims to be Scottish that speaks clearly (and neither should you, he's lying).
NATO says they need some of their best to escort the Nano-whatzits to somewhere for whatever reason, so they find an elite unit. That unit was on leave, so they skipped out on the Special Forces and went straight for the Special Ed. The team is led by two incompetent douchebags named "Duke" and "Ripcord". They apparently got to pick their nicknames a long time ago, and just went with it. If someone else chose their code names, it would have been "Bad Actor" and "Annoying Idiot". That's what I will refer to them as for the remainder of this review.
While these guys are escorting an un-weaponized version of bottled armageddon, their miniscule detail of about 10 guys gets ambushed to hell and back. Some of the leftover flying things from Terminator: Salvation come in and wreck shop with their lasers- and there was a noise, which I learned later was not part of the movie, but rather an entire theater full of people rolling their eyes at the same time. The H/K's drop off some guys in body armor that was decommissioned during the Dark Ages, and also they have lasers. They laser everything and kick asses and the hottie takes the bottles of green cancer cure. Bad Actor goes back to get it and recognizes the woman and takes his suitcase back.
That's when the GI Joes show up and kick everyone's ass. But the hottie gets away, and Duke is all whining about how this is "his mission" and he doesn't want to let go of the suitcase- which he apparently intended to hand-carry on a long walk to his destination. So some arabian guy says something that sounds like Dell Customer Service and makes a hologram of General Hawk, who apparently knew this whole thing would go wrong- but rather than have team of decent troops handle it, he wanted Bad Actor and Annoying Idiot to make jackasses of themselves "for the lulz".
Finally, after Snake Eyes almost kills Annoying Idiot and saves me a migraine, they decide to take two semi-retarded failures back to their badass military base hidden in Egypt, which is right underneath Devastator's testicles. A lot of dudes are training; but it actually looks like everyone is just acting like 5-year-olds on Mountain Dew with firearms. They call Destro (not silver-headed yet) who tells them that he wants to make sure some dumbass didn't break his shit (and I don't blame him). But they didn't. However, he totally tricks them into activating the locator thingy that couldn't possibly be discovered at all.
Bad Actor and Annoying Retard convince General Hawk to let them join their team, and he lets them try it out. They spend a montage shooting poorly, getting beaten, and being mocked by Brendan Fraiser (in order of level of humiliation, least to most). Eventually, after a few minutes of "military training", General Hawk tells them that if they added their scores together and multiplied it by their collective IQ, then subtracted the movie's approval rating from the week after opening weekend, their score barely scratches by enough to get them on the team. Annoying Idiot spends most of his time sexually harassing Scarlett, but suprisingly doesn't use words like "Shorty" or "Boo" like he would in any of his other movies that come on Comedy Central while everyone else is living their life.
The Scottish guy starts talking to some Doctor, who is busy making some "Neo-Vipers" who can get bitten by snakes, aren't scared of anything, and probably don't mind using vulgar language in front of your grandmother. The doctor is basically like a scrawny, wimpy Darth Vader with no force powers and wearing a Nicholas Cage wig (see the film Bangkok Dangerous for details). They are basically using some of the nanites to make these troops the perfect soldiers, and also so Destro can date-rape the Baroness.
Storm Shadow and the Baroness go to the Joe base, wreck some shit there, and steal the warheads (which were basically just laying around). The good Hottie, Cover Girl, gets stabbed right between the boobs and Hawk gets ninja-sliced into a cripple.
Since the Baroness was a cheating whore, she goes back to her husband's workplace. Apparently, she was using him to get close to his big particle accellerator, and not for his Frenchie charm, good looks, or repulsive body odor. They kill everyone on the way in with ninja stars, which sort of defeats the whole purpose of her marrying the French scientist, but whatever. They weaponize the warheads, which in Hollywood-ese means "zap with lasers for 5 minutes". I weaponized a burrito in the microwave this morning, and it was pretty damn destructive so I'll let this slide.
Since the Scottish Destro hates the French, he tells them to blow up the Eiffel Tower, simply because that's pretty much all the French have going for them. Whatever, the two most incompetent team members on the Joes get Accelerator Suits, which make no sense and should probably kill any dumbass who tried it, but it doesn't. Instead, they chase the Hummer that wasn't used in Transformers and destroy France, which is hilarious. I honestly enjoyed seeing those Frogs freak out, but the Baroness gets into the Terminator jet thing and Bad Actor jumps after her and she knocks him out with a pair of Prada Dominatrix boots to the face. It doesn't kill him because he is made of wood, or at least his acting seems to make me think so.
Then everyone but Snake Eyes gets captured by the French, which should make you somewhat concerned. Snake Eyes sends a text message to Hawk and he comes back to bail them out. GI Joe gets kicked out of France forever and ever, which gets a sarcastic "oh, damn..." out of everyone who is not French.
Somehow, the team locates the SUPER SECRET BASE in the arctic, which probably didn't stand out on any sattelite thermal images or get discussed by anyone who was contracted to build a ridiculously large base underwater in the arctic. While there, Destro explains his whole plans for world domination and the Doctor reveals that he was once a military science officer that Bad Actor was supposed to protect. I've seen military doctors tell someone with spinal menengitis that he was dehydrated and needed to go back to training, so I imagine military science officers are using kaleidescopes to look at Jesus' house on the moon. Whatever, he got blown up and now he's got a tracheotomy throat box, which apparently can't be fixed by the nanomachines.
There's a huge fight, Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow apparently had some nonsensical childhood rivalry that neither one of them grew out of, and Storm Shadow goes Darth Maul with the samurai swords and gets killed and thrown in the water. Annoying Idiot uses a jet to shoot down the warheads Destro fired, which responds to gaelic verbal commands or something. Baroness helps Bad Actor and Destro gets his face set on fire. Submarines kill each other for a few minutes.
Then at the end, the Doctor tells Destro to call him "Commander", or "Daddy" or something and puts silver all over his face and IT'S ABOUT DAMNED TIME. At the end they are in some super jail and the whole team is happy and goes on a picnic.
|08-14-2009, 11:17 PM||#1552|
Join Date: Dec 2008
Ok let me just say the things I liked…
I actually thought storm shadow was ok
Scarlet,duke,and baroness were also just ok for me…
Now funnily cobra/ the doctor was probably my favorite part of that whack ass movie.
I found him interesting to the point I was anticipating the next scene with him.
Snake eyes disappointed me in just the way I knew he would…..he wasn’t our resolute snake eyes.
Other than that he was also just ok for me….
Now onto the real shit house.
Destro………………………………................................ .................................................. .
Why the hell was he the villain from Hudson hawk?
Why was he a whistling guy in a business suit?
Ripcord………………………too easy…I’ll leave that shit alone I hated every minute that fool was on screen.
I originally went to this thing to see Sienna Miller as the baroness….that was it.
And she was as freak’n hot as I knew she’d be.
So yeah there was sum good and a lot of bad but over all it’s a good popcorn kind of movie.
I don’t regret seeing it and thought it was entertaining.
If anyone would like to throw their 2 cents in this lets talk about it….
oh yeah....dr. mindbender was awesome!!! pure fucking gold.
Last edited by C.I.A.D.; 08-15-2009 at 12:42 AM.. Reason: MOD EDIT
|08-14-2009, 11:35 PM||#1553|
Join Date: Jun 2009
[QUOTE=theriseofcobra;949633]Okay, here's my review...
Just got back from the cinema...
Well.... this is difficult, cause' on one hand I really enjoyed myself and on the other hand, there were a number of things that really bugged me throughout the movie.
1) Characters, vehicles and G.I.Joe being an International organisation.
2) The story.
...1: The Acc.-suits worked okay for me in the Paris persuit scene. Some of the characters really sucked, like Breaker and Heavy Duty. It really bugged me, that the G.I.Joe organisation wasn't american and instead an International organisation. Some of the vehicles also sucked, like the G.I.Joe transport jet. I missed so many vehicles from the cartoon...and I think that most of these vehicles would have done just fine in a 2009 movie. It also bugged me bigtime, that Storm Shadow wasn't a "faceless ninja", I would have preferred him not showing his face throughout the whole movie. Baroness turning good? WTF... that was the worst thing in the whole damn movie. It was cool to introduce Dr. Mindbender, I would have liked him to be balled and more like the comics. Zartan, Duke, Scarlet, Snake Eyes were all done quite nice. Destro and the nanomite mask was also okay... and the most discussed mask of all: Cobra Commander actually worked okay for me, surprisingly!
...2: The story felt too fast and unfinished - rushed to say the least.
One thing I don't quite get... why produce toys etc. of vehicles, characters etc. that are not shown in the movie? That sucks!
I thought that was great that they made it organization international instead of an gung ho american, that would of sucked, this is the 21st century now and we are for the most part in the fight together!
Why produce toys of vehicles etc. that aren't in the movie? they do that all the time, look at Batman and Dark knight, i don't think batman had 20 additional suits.
|08-14-2009, 11:56 PM||#1554|
Join Date: Feb 2009
It's GI Joe. An American slang term, ironically meaning "your normal everyday soldier". "Gung Ho" is hardly a negative connotation, it's believed roots are in Chinese, meaning "teamwork". And I honestly didn't see any reason to internationalize the team. It cheapens them, if you ask me. "A real American Hero".... otherwise it's Action Force... or Sigma Six.
And I like the ones not in the movie, to be honest.
|08-15-2009, 12:28 AM||#1555|
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Gainesville, Florida
|08-15-2009, 02:52 AM||#1556|
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Oslo, Norway
As a joe fan since I was a kid, collector of the comics and action figures, I was quite looking forward to seeing this movie. Hell, I`ve been wishing for a live-action G.I Joe movie forever, it seems.
The film premiered today (friday) here in Norway, my friend (also a long time joe fan) and I went in with more than a little excitement.
Man, were we disappointed!!! G.I Joe is now officially a casualty of hollywood`s huge campaign to make cookie-cutter movies (cgi-enhanced matrix like action sequences, make the black man say something "cool" every couple of minutes etc, and compulsive need to redesign and rewrite stories that were great to begin with)
I mean, what in the name of Crom`s golden boxershorts was wrong with the way the vipers and cobra commander looked in the first place??! He looked like authority with a fashion sense in the hooded uniform. Menacing, a leader. They didnt even have vipers or regular cobra troopers in the movie, or destro`s iron grenadiers. They skipped directly to the neo-vipers.
And where did the baroness` german accent go? She`s supposed to be from Wienna.
Speaking of accents, destro didn`t sound scottish, he sounded like an englishman trying to sound scottish.
The backstory of snake-eyes and stormshadow was dumbed down, and I have a hard time thinking an arashikage master being murdered by a kid student. If that was what they really meant was happening. And why while they were so young?
Snake-eyes taking an "oath of silence"?? Why no injury??
I`ll bet they will have him talking by the next or third movie!
Baroness is duke`s ex? And CC`s sister?! And now she`s turned into a nice girl?? Small world...even the cobra-la storyline was a better origin version than this incestuous "i am your father"-trying-to-create-emotions-based-on-surprise-relations cheese.
BUT...what really grinds my black-metal loving eurotrash nutsac to a fine powder abouth the movie is: The black dude that had stolen ripcord`s id and was using it for the entire movie (thats another thing that makes me go "why?") stole snake-eyes` girl!!! I bet they will be a couple in the next one. The man was bordering on jar-jar-binks levels of annoying, for fuck`s sake! Why is it so hard for the filmmakers to STICK TO THE SOURCE MATERIAL..?
There were about three things i found good, the look of the baroness, the whole character of snake-eyes (pretty true in look and style to the source), and the martial arts scenes. Storm shadow looked ok, played ok, and was mostly true to form, but they need to get him out of the trenchcoat and into a regular white shinobi-shozoku, looks far better.
That was my first post, and maybe only review from Norway (pardon of my english grammar is sometimes uncorrect).
I love G.I Joe, and what makes me rant like a hatemonger here is the thought of what this movie could have been. They had an opportunity to make THE military fantasy adventure in an already established universe, and they totally fucked it up to the point where it borders on rape. I cannot praise the "Resolute" cartoon enough, I really think they got it right as opposed to this movie.
The sad thing is...I will probably be there on the premiere of the sequel too...if only to see Ray Park as snake-eyes.
|08-15-2009, 03:43 AM||#1557|
Spartan F5 Viper
Join Date: Sep 2008
I really enjoyed the toddler snake eyes and storm shadow...best hope you do not run into kids that good at fighting in the Arashikage clan style while searching for joes or there will be...trouble...
I think they did a great job with thier ninja-ku and kung-fu battle grip- hurmor that I can stomach that was, Wayanes not so much...
|08-15-2009, 02:45 PM||#1558|
Join Date: Dec 2008
Last edited by IIIzoeIII; 08-15-2009 at 03:09 PM..
|08-15-2009, 02:54 PM||#1559|
Join Date: Aug 2008
Sorry dude, not trying to be a dick, but there's a gazillion movie discussion threads and even one HissTank official one. Try joining one of them. It might yield you better results than starting a new thread. Just saying...
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