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Official G.I. Joe Command Team Recruiting Thread
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06-05-2009, 09:26 PM
kneroh
Mortal Enemy
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Site B
Posts: 32,666
The Coastal Defender is a death trap. Here's something I wrote for a long since deceased blog back in 2005. It's probably not funny and filled with typos. I won't re-read it or edit though. Enjoy, maybe...
Another reject from the class of 1987 the Coastal Defender was the premiere way for non-claustrophobics to be pulled into battle. I guess by this time in the war some of the Joes were a little “armored out”. They already had enough tanks, jeeps, jet planes, etc. What they really needed was a box made of plywood.
The actual origin of this piece goes back the 1987 GI Joe Soap Box Derby. It was designed by Cross Country to take first place in the downhill event. He then later planned to recondition it by having its wheels removed so it could proudly sit on his front lawn on cinder blocks as a trophy to the day the south overcame.*
Unfortunately that day never came. For on the day of the race Cobra attacked. In an uncharacteristic display of intelligence and strategy Cobra’s saboteur Firefly sealed off the joe motorpool rendering them weaponless. All they had was Cross Country’s racer. Flint who described himself as “8 beers deep” ordered the Joe’s to strap some missiles to it and maybe a radar dish and to, I quote “Slide dose snakes back to the slithin’ rock those snakes *vomit*” With the commanding officer out of commission Cross Country took charge and in a display rarely seen outside of episodes of the A-Team they went to work revamping that little wooden box.
Unfortunately when the first volley of missiles was unleashed from the Coastal Defender in went up in flames. It should have been no surprise to the military’s most elite that lumber and explosives are a dangerous combination. I suppose PETA could be thankful that it wasn’t the annual GI Joe Horse Race though.
The day was won anyways due to Cobra’s usual incompetence and a valiant push by the GI Joe Anipals who were afraid they were next to get the missile treatment. Cross Country still laments to this day about losing what would have been his turn to conquer the soap box derby but takes solace in the knowledge that the Coastal Defender is still being produced and used in combat. The men have even dubbed their battlefield creation as the “burning coffin” and they draw straws each time one of these tactical blunders needs to be manned.
This was the last year for the GI Joe soap box derby. Cobra knew too much so they decided to start a new tradition, the GI Joe Annual Hero Quest Tournament… until Magic the Gathering was released, but that my friends is another story altogether.
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