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:
OLD Marvel Universe 3.75" figures
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02-04-2012, 01:38 AM
laurenluna1977
Banned
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Claremont, CA
Posts: 9,613
Washington DC(AP)--Celeste Pitcairn, Deputy Press Secretary
for Postmaster General Abner Knobless, announced today that
September 15, 1995 is the release date for the much anticipated
commemorative stamp that will honor to ancient profession
of prostitution.
"We have been waiting too long for fair and equitable
treatment by our own government," stated Lucille Bonilla,
chairperson of COYOTE (Call Off Your Old Tired Ethics) a
lobby group for the decriminalization of prostitution.
When asked what the new stamp would cost, Ms. Pitcairn
replied, "Fifty cents. Seventy-five cents if you want to
lick it."
A guy went to Las Vegas, and won big, really big, in one of the
casinos. When you win big in Vegas the casino will give you free
things, like meals, show tickets, or rooms, this is all designed to
keep you there so that you will lose what money you have won. After
winning fifty thousand dollars at the crap table, the casino decided
to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite.
The guy went up to the room, opened the big double doors, and
stepped into a three room suite. The room is on a corner of the hotel
and two walls are nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the
city. There's a wet bar in one corner, with a big screen T.V. The guy
dropped his bag of money in a chair and stood looking out the windows
at the city. He realized he was all alone and needed someone to share
his good fortune. He called the front desk and told the clerk to send
up one of the best, high-priced call girls in the city.
Thirty minutes later there was a knock on the door. The guy opened
it to find the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen. Long blond hair,
short red dress, and spiked heels. She walked into the room. The guy
went to the bar and fixed two drinks; he gave one to the hooker, and
drank one himself.
"Now, down to business," he began, "how much for a hand job?"
The hooker said, "Honey, a hand job is $500.00"
"What, that's outrageous!" he said.
"Come over here," she said walking towards one of the windows, "see
that strip mall over there," pointing out the window, "I own the last
two stores on the end. I was able to buy those stores with the money
I saved from giving hand jobs. I must be pretty damn good. "
"All right, screw it, money is no object," our lonely friend
replied. A half hour after she's done, the guy is sitting on the
couch reveling in ecstasy. He gets up, goes to the bar and made two
more drinks. He gives one to the hooker and drinks one himself.
"That was the best hand job I have ever had. How much for a blow job?"
She replied, "Honey, a blow job is $5,000."
"What, that's outrageous!" he exclaimed.
"Come over here," she said walking towards another one of the windows,
"see that hotel and casino over there on the corner," pointing out the
window, "I own that, I was able to buy it with the money I saved from
giving blow jobs. I must be pretty damn good."
"Oh, all right, screw it, money is no object," he said, giving her
$5 grand. An hour after she's done, the guy was laying on the couch,
head rolled back, eyes rolled up inside his head, a little drool
coming out of the corner of his mouth. He got up, barely able to stand,
staggered over to the bar, mixed two more drinks, gave one to the hooker,
and drank one himself.
"My god, that was the best blow job I have ever had, I've gotta know,
how much for some pussy?"
The hooker looked at him and replied, "Honey, if I had a pussy,
I would OWN this whole city!"
A guy walks into a house of ill repute one Monday afternoon and asks
the lady at the front desk if she could provide him with a woman 'who
would cooperate in any matter.'
She tells him to go up to room 33 and wait. He goes to the room and
presently a woman enters. He grabs her by the shoulders and hurls her
upon the bed. He proceeds to drop his pants and gets on top of her
and squats down over her and shits on her.
Tuesday afternoon the same guy enters the same establishment and
retains the services of the same girl in the same room. He squats
down upon her and shits on her once again.
Wednesday the routine is repeated. Thursday yet again. Friday
ditto. Saturday is a repeat. Sunday the same.
Monday rolls around again. The same guy gets the same girl in the
same room and squats down as usual but this time he only farts.
The girl says, "What's the matter honey, don't you love me any more?"
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from
town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from
town, when the girl stopped the boy.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a
hooker and I charge $20 for sex."
The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking
out the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a
taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
Quasimoto, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, has heard about sex all
his life, never had any. One day he decides he's going to get some,
and he takes off for the red light district of Paris. All the hookers
took one look at him, and refused to relieve him of his virginity.
He then proceeded to go to the back alleys where the gutter hookers
hung out, and found one who would "do it" with him. She figured that
she could shut her eyes, and picture him as a normal looking male.
Well, there they were, standing there, her with her skirt up and
eyes closed, he with his pants down around his ankles, going to it.
She accidentally opened her eyes, saw this horrible *thing* in front
of her, and threw up.
He asked her, "Did you vomit?"
"Yes I did," she replied.
"Thank God," he said, "For a minute I thought my hump burst."
A proper man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the
night with her for $500.00.
When he was ready to leave, he told her that he did not have
any cash with him but that he would have his secretary write a
check and mail it to her, calling it "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he decided that the whole event was
not worth the price he agreed to pay, so he had his secretary
send a note with a check for $250.00 and enclosed the following
note:
Dear madam,
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250.00 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when
I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
1. it had never been occupied.
2. that there was plenty of heat.
3. that is was small.
Last night i found out that it had been previously occupied,
that there wasn't any heat and it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check
for $250.00 with the following note:
Dear sir:
I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain
unoccupied indefinitely. as for the heat, there is plenty of it, if
you know how turn it on and if you don't have enough furniture to
fill it, don't blame me.
Very truly yours
One dismal rainy night in Sydney, a taxi driver spotted an arm
waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even
before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the
cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he
pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman
sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
"Kings Cross," answered the woman.
"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell
are you looking at, driver?"
"Well madam," he answered, "I was just wondering how you'll pay
your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat,
smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything
smaller?"
A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex
party in a hotel and the girl was among them. The police took them
outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when
suddenly, the girl's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, Why are you standing in line here, dear?
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, the girl told
her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free
oranges and she was just lining up for some.
Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,
and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from
all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered
and exclaimed, Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?
Grandma replied, Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures
out and suck them dry.
There was a mother that had a daughter, Mary, that always sucked
her thumb. Upset by this, Marys mother told her that if she continued
to suck her thumb, her body would swell up. Frightened, Mary stopped
sucking her thumb.
One day Mary and her mother were crossing the street and Mary saw a
prostitute with big breasts. Mary pulled away from her mother, walked
up to the prostitute and said, "Lady, I know what you've been sucking"
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she
needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few
questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then
asks, "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work.
That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute.
Finally the woman states, "Okay, then... I'm a chicken farmer."
"What?" the accountant asks. "What does chicken farming have to
do with being a whore or a prostitute?"
"Well," the woman explains, "I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
A tourist approached a prostitute in the back streets of Soho
in London.
"How much?" he asked.
"It'll cost ya thirty quid," replied the tart.
"American Express?" he inquired
"You can go as fast as you like," she said.
There was this hooker who mistook a Salvation Army man
for a soldier and propositioned him.
The Salvation Army gent said, 'Ma'am, you may be forgiven,
as a pitiable victim of circumstances. Tell me, are you
familiar with the concept of 'original sin'?"
Judi replied, "Well, maybe and maybe not. But if it's
*really* original, it'll cost you an extra $20."
A father approached his 14 year old son and asks him what he
wants most for his birthday.
The son replies, "I want to get laid Dad."
The father says, "You are still a bit young for that." He takes
him out to the backyard and shows him a tree with a knot hole in
it. "Practice on this and we'll see next year," says the father.
The next year the father asks the same question and gets the same
reply. The father tells the son to practice on the knot hole for
another year.
On his 16th birthday the son says, "Enough with the knot hole
already, I am ready for a woman!"
The father agrees and takes the son into town to the local cathouse.
He tells the madam, "One for me and one for my son."
The madam replies "You go up the stairs and turn left, your son goes
up the stairs and turns right."
At the top of the stairs the father pauses to wish the son good luck
and then goes into the room with the whore. All of a sudden he hears
terrible screaming coming from the room where his son went. He runs
over and bursts into the room. There he sees his son shoving a
broomstick in and out of the whore while she is screaming at the top
of her lungs.
"What the fuck are you doing son?" yells the father.
"Checking for squirrels Dad" replies the son.
"I don't understand how you can charge me extra like this all the
time." whined the distraught John. "Why I'm sure I'm one of your
best customers. I'm just like putty in your hands."
"Precisely !" replied the call girl.
There was this truck driver who really wanted some action, but
only had five dollars. So he stops at a whorehouse along the way
and asks the madam what he can get for five dollars. The madam
laughs and says that for five bucks he can have Old Mabel. The
truck driver doesn't like the sound of this but really needs to
blow a load, so he agrees.
The madam leads him upstairs, opens the door, and there on the
bed is the oldest, ugliest woman he has ever seen in his life -
- Old Mabel. Well, having already paid the madam, the man decides
he may as well get it over with. So he says to Mabel, "Take your
clothes off and let's get going."
Mabel just laughs and says, "Oh no, dear, I'm too old for such
things."
The man starts to get pissed off because obviously he isn't going
to get any pussy, even from this old hag. But Mabel says, "Now
just wait. My pussy doesn't work any more, but I tell you what.
I'll just take out my wooden eye and you can screw my eye socket.
Now the man is completely disgusted. However, he is such a state
by now that he has to either get off or go crazy, so he agrees.
Out pops the eye, in goes the truck driver. Soon he is moaning
and screaming with ecstacy. This is the best lay he has ever had
in his life. After a few minutes he has the greatest orgasm he
has ever had. That truck driver just can't thank Mabel enough.
He says, "Mabel, next time I travel through this way, you and I
have a date."
Mabel says, "Well, alrighty dear, I'll keep an eye out for you."
The Yuppie showered a Yuppette with gifts for over a month.
He took her to fancy restaurants and expensive resorts. Finally,
he proposed, "Bernie, if you will marry me, I have enough money
to provide you with anything your little heart desires."
"Sorry John." she replied. "I'm not ready to settle down yet.
And besides, you can't buy my love, but if the price is right,
I might see my way clear to rent you some."
I guess some things will never change. I hired a temp while my
secretary was on maternity leave. Trying to arrive at an agreeable
wage, I asked what she expected to earn.
She said, "Well... the minimum I could work for is four hundred a week."
I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure.
She shook her head and replied, "With pleasure, it'll be $600 a week."
A guy is put before the judges bench because he is on trial
for paying a prostitute for sex.
"How do you plead?" asks the judge, to the defendant.
"Not Guilty, your honor."
Showing him a videotape of the alleged act, the prosecutor
responds, "How can you possibly convince the court of your
innocence, if we have both the sex act, plus your subsequent
payment to the alleged prostitute right here on tape?"
"Easy," says the defendent, "I'll admit to the court that
although I wasn't engaged in an act of prostitution, I was
committing another 'heinous' crime, gambling."
"Gambling?" responds the prosecutor, "How so?"
"Well you see," answers the defendent, "I went up to the
young lady earlier that night as she was working in a topless
bar and said to her, 'I'll bet you $200 that you don't get to
have sex with me tonight'.
That videotape is just footage of me losing the bet!"
This old guy goes into a whorehouse and asks for a busty young
blonde teenager for the night. The madame is horrified.
"You'd never survive a night with an energetic young woman!"
she cries. "You're far too old. In fact, you've had it!"
"Oh" Replies the old timer. "Have I? How much do I owe you then?"
A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of
hookers. Everyday as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with
their pinkies and say "Hi there little boy!!"
One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always
wave at him with their pinkies. They reply: "well, that is what size
we imagine your penis to be... it is just a joke!"
The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The
young boy stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all
his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says,
"HI THERE LADIES!
A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided
to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked
the Madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the Madame.
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked.
"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down
the street in search of a more equitable shop.
At the second one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the Madame.
"If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked again.
"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."
Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of
a more equitable shop.
His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the
Madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he questioned.
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!", the man said. He looked around the room and
pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir", said the Madame while gesturing to a
grotesque woman in her seventies in the corner, "but Ethel here has
seniority."
A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice
neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out
on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then
another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the
door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the
door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.
"This is a brothel" replied the madam.
"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?", asked the man.
"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."
There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter
and grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down.
"How much did you get on tonight Dear?" asked her mother.
"Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got $20 for a blow job."
"Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents
and were happy to get that as times were tough!"
"Good God!" said the Grandmother. "In my day we were so poor we
were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down
from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.
"I'm lookin' for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the
Yukon," he said to the bartender.
"We got her" replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second
room on the right.
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker
and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked
the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking
for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon."
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found
her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.
"How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner.
"I don't," replied the hooker, "but I thought you might want to
open those beers first."
A traveler checks into a hotel. Glancing at the Gideon Bible, he
reads on the front page, "If you are sick at heart, read page 124.
If you are unsure of your journey, read page 144. If you are very
lonely, read page 188."
Being very lonely, the man reads page 188. At the bottom of the
page, scribbled in ink, he finds a message: "If this page hasn't
worked, call Martha at 555-8910."
laurenluna1977
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