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Thread
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George Carlin is Dead!
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06-23-2008, 11:31 PM
Homer
Cobra Viper
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Funky Town, NC
Posts: 219
RIP. The bodacious one will be missed.
Every sixty seconds, thirty acres of rain forest are destroyed in order to raise beef for fast-food restaurants that sell it to people, giving them strokes and heart attacks, which raise medical costs and insurance rates, providing insurance companies with more money to invest in large corporations that branch out further into the Third World so they can destroy more rain forests.
I have a problem with married people who carry their babies in backpacks or frontpacks or slings, or whatever those devices are called. These baby-carrying devices that seem designed to leave the parent's hands free to sort through merchandise. Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Natural Fibers, is it too much trouble to ask you to hold the fuckin' kid? Are you so busy picking out consumer goods and reaching for your credit card that you can't hold the baby? It's not an accessory or a small appliance. It's a baby.
Don't you hate it when people send you unsolicited pictures of their kids? What's that all about? It bothers me. I hate to keep throwing away perfectly good pictures.
There is now a Starbucks in my pants.
A long time ago in England a guy named Thomas Culpepper was hanged, beheaded, quartered, and disemboweled. Why do I have the impression women were not involved in these activities?
The only thing high-definition television will do is provide sharper pictures of the garbage.
I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.
The Christians are coming to get you, and they are not pleasant people.
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around, the more I think it might not be a bad idea.
When Ronald Reagan got Alzheimer's disease, how could they tell?
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck.
The idea is that if kids wear uniforms to school, it helps to keep order. Hey! Don't these schools do enough damage makin' all these children THINK alike? Now they're gonna get 'em to LOOK alike, too? And it's not even a new idea; I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand, because the narration was in German.
Regarding Pokemon, Beanie Babies, and such: something is really wrong when a major news story concerns how hard it is to buy a toy.
I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.
I think there ought to be a feminine hygeine spray called "Sprunt".
You know how you can tell when a moth farts? When he suddenly flies in a straight line.
Suggested bumper sticker: “We are the Proud Parents of a Child Whose Self-Esteem is Sufficient that He Doesn’t Need Us Advertising His Minor Scholastic Achievements on the Bumper of Our Car.”
People seem to think that if there’s some problem that makes them unhappy in this country, all they have to do is stage a big march and everything will change. When will they learn?
Why don’t network TV shows have a warning that says “Caution: You are about to watch a real piece of shit.” Actually, they could just leave it on the screen all the time.
We busy ourselves with meaningless gestures such as Take Our Daughters to Work Day, which applies primarily to white, middle-class daughters. More help for the wrong people.
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